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This gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘going through a door’

‘Arry is imposing a nightclub ban - how long before Jermain Defoe hands in a transfer request?
[The Mirror]

Football drama, week one
[Interestment]

Either Barcelona are not getting the message about Fabregas, or the papers are running thin on transfer news
[Daily Mail]

Liverpool have joined the race for Steven Taylor
[Goal.com]

Are the Americans bleeding Liverpool dry?
[Caught Offside]

Joleon Lescott is the new Dimitar Berbatov
[The Offside]

Fulham secure Damien Duff’s signature
[Sky Sports]

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The latest transfer gossip, news and damned lies

Steven Taylor to Everton
The Daily Star believe Mr Newcastle could be on his way to Goodison, thus clearing the way for Joleon Lescott’s departure. The fee is said to be £8m.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Taylor will almost certainly welcome a move back to the Premiership, but that’s not necessarily an indication that David Moyes has given up on keeping Lecott.

Michel Salgado to Blackburn
After being released by Madrid, the 33-year-old Champions League-winning right back is currently without employment. The Mirror say Sam Allardyce is about to come to the rescue, provided he can overcome an internal finance issue at Ewood Park.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Salgado agreed to join

Which chosen few will jump ship?

With as many as four clubs still in the race to join West Brom in the Championship next season, Premier League vultures are already circling in preparation to pick off the relegated teams’ best players. The Spoiler has a look at 5 players who are likely to continue plying their trade in the top flight whatever the outcome on Sunday. Jeremie Aliadiere need not apply.

Sunderland: Kenwyne Jones

Kenwyne Jones’ importance to Sunderland has been underlined by his bagging 9 goals in the league this season, despite spending the first few months on the physio’s table. Although Spurs boss Harry Redknapp recently denied he was still interested in the 24-year-old striker after a failed transfer bid in January, speculation over Roman Pavlyuchenko’s imminent exit from White Hart Lane is rife, and a move could still be on the cards.

The players who go down quicker than Danielle Lloyd at a Manchester Utd Christmas party

Morten Gamst Pedersen - who we hear has taken his phone off the hook and barricaded himself into his house in an attempt to stop the ridicule - threw his hat into the ring for worst dive of the century against Arsenal on Saturday. But who has been responsible for the most unsporting pratfalls in football history? The Spoiler’s Richard Gilzene considers the top ten divers in the history of the beautiful game…

Didier Drogba
Jose Mourinho aside, Jens Lehmann’s is the most galling departure from the Premiership in recent years, if only for the massive entertainment void he left behind. Pitted against another big character in Didier Drogba during his acrobatic pomp, it made sense the pair would team up midway through a tense London derby clash in the 06/07 season, to resurrect the spirit of a 1920s slapstick vaudeville act.

Decision goes against Manchester United but they still benefit

Steve Bennett has decided to stand by his decision to only book Steven Taylor for catching Cristiano Ronaldo with his arm but Sir Alex Ferguson is not complaining for once.

The Newcastle defender would have received a three-match ban if the referee had decided it should have been a red card and Ferguson didn’t want that to happen because the Magpies host Manchester United’s rivals Arsenal and Chelsea over that period. He said:

“The disciplinary situation does confuse you at times. No-one is really clear about it. But in actual fact we did not want the boy suspended because now he can play against Chelsea and Arsenal.”

The Spoiler doesn’t understand why Ferguson is concerned about Arsenal’s results but the sextuple-chasing boss did confirm

Newcastle star guilty of the worst comeback of all time

Having faced fierce criticism from Luka Modric for his theatrics yesterday, one would have hoped that Cristiano Ronaldo would tone things down at St James’ park. Alas, when he was manhandled/ bitchslapped by Steven Taylor, he let out a scream that his new girlfriend in Portugal would have heard.

Taylor was very lucky to escape a red card for his incident - which was compounded by a two-footed lunge on Michael Carrick - and had to be separated from his Portuguese rival in the tunnel by ref Steve Bennett and Rio Ferdinand.

C-Ron, who isn’t having much luck in tunnels this season, confronted the Newcastle defender and shouted, “”Your style of football is s**t!” As a means of retaliation, all Taylor could muster from his insult locker was: “Well you are ugly!”

If that atrocious comeback isn’t worthy of an instant dismissal, we don’t know what is.

Newcastle defender lives it up in The Vegas

As a “special friend” of extremely attractive High Street Honey Tanya Robinson, Steven Taylor knows a thing or two about showing the ladies a good time. Here he on a recent Las Vegas break, accompanied by two of the best-dressed girls in the state of Nevada.

Taylor also enjoyed some bromance with bestie David Nugent on his American trip - check out the evidence after the jump…

Because not everyone can be the star of the show

For every Premiership star, there is a gaggle of decidedly average teammates skulking about in his shadows. These players are neither outstanding nor terrible, they are simply hard workers with a tendency to go about their job with little fuss - probably because they don’t want to draw attention to their lack of class.

The Spoiler has lovingly compiled a starting  in tribute to these headline-dodging work horses, and no, it’s not just the Middlesbrough team…

GK: Kasper Schmeichel
City’s number two shot stopper isn’t a bad keeper, but he’s no class act - it probably doesn’t help that his dad was one of the best shot stoppers the Premier League has ever seen. It’s almost tragic at how much worse he is than Schmeichel senior but at ;east he is a better use of genetic material than George Best’s profesional moron son Calum.

RB: Phil Neville
The crappier Neville brother has represented England 59 times, and is Everton’s current captain. Yet he’s never been that good at anything other than tackling.

CB: Steven Taylor
The Newcastle defender has the odd impressive performance, but if he could sustain it, maybe Shay ‘I-have-to-face-way-too-many-shots-a-match’ Given would want to stay.

CB: Anton Ferdinand
They share the same parents, play at centre back, think dodgy braids are equally cool