Chelsea’s recent freebies haven’t had much success at the Bridge

Chelsea’s decision to bring in Ross Turnbull on a free transfer makes sense: they get to fill the squad place vacated last January by Carlo Cudicini on the cheap and if a year or two down the line they want to upgrade, he’s young enough for them to make a profit on him.

But is the former Middlesbrough keeper going to stay the duration of his four-year contract and prove a shrewd acquisition or will he be swiftly written of as a failure? Chelsea’s recent record at signing out-of-contract players suggest that the latter is more likely.

The last four players that the Blues have picked up for nothing - Steve Sidwell, Tal Ben Haim, Claudio Pizarro and Mineiro - started a combined 21 league

This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

In a crushing blow for fans of overweight Brazilians, it is being reported on the AC Milan website that a deal has been agreed to bring Ronaldinho to the San Siro this coming season. Just to rub it in, it’s thought that Milan aren’t even offering Barca as much cash, and Ronny’s agent brother claimed he had negotiated a £25m deal with Citeh just yesterday. Still, it could all be a blessing in disguise - the podgy one, pictured above with AC Milan bigwig Adriano Galliani, would have undoubtedly capsized the trawler on the way to the Faroe Islands tomorrow…

Valon Behrami to West Ham
The right-back known as the “Swiss David Beckham” has invoked another weird contract clause that will allow West Ham to sign him for £1.5 million rather than the £11 million Lazio have demanded. It casts doubts over the future of captain Lucas Neill, who may ruin the party for City fans happy they avoided Ronaldinho.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If the Daily Mail are actually printing something positive about West Ham, it must be true

Anton Ferdinand rejects Newcastle
Newcastle’s madcap scheme of basing their transfer recruiters in London hasn’t helped them bring in any defenders this summer. First, Richard Dunne decided he’d rather win his thousandth player of the season award at Man City and now Soulja Boy Ferdinand has decided that not even the Newcastle nightlife is enough to make playing with Joey Barton sound tempting.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: West Ham seem happy to lose Anton but he doesn’t want to go

Tal Ben-Haim to Man City
Slimeball Peter Kenyon is still laughing after flogging flop Steve Sidwell for £5 million

FIFA President claims players suffer from “modern slavery”

With the transfer rumours getting a tad repetitive, we were hoping that Sepp Blatter would make one of his trademark stupid comments to provide some mild entertainment. Thankfully he has managed to surpass all expectations with his latest foot-in-mouth moment, surmising that transfer saga regulars like Cristiano Ronaldo and Emmanuel Adebayor, rather than the public who have to endure their summer-long ‘ordeals’, are victims:

“I’m always in favour of protecting the player and if the player wants to leave let him leave. If the player wants to play somewhere else, then a solution should be found because if he stays in a club where he does not feel comfortable to play then it’s not good for the player and for the club.

“I think in football there’s too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere. We are trying now to intervene in such cases. The reaction to the Bosman law is to make long-lasting contracts in order to keep the players and then if he wants to leave, then there is only one solution, he has to pay his contract.”

Fair enough, there is some merit in this argument. Steve Sidwell and Tal Ben Haim, for example, have joined a club believing they will receive first-team opportunities, only for the manager who signed them to be replaced by someone who isn’t aware they exist.

Yet we fail to see how this applies to players who were signed by their current manager and are fundamental to their team like Cristiano Ronaldo and Emmanuel Adebayor. The former committed to a five-year contract last April, so why does Blatter feel he can now renege on that agreement? He says players should be allowed to leave if they do not “feel comfortable”, but it’s difficult

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

Being people who breakfast doesn’t hinder The Spoiler’s progress, in fact, quite the opposite, much can be learnt from a simple trip to a local breakfasterie. Here’s what the people are saying in between sausage and eggs and slurps of finest splosh:

Emmanuel Adebayor to AC Milan or Juventus
Despite lurching around the pitch, accidentally knocking in twenty-one goals as he goes, the animated chat is that the lanky one might be more suited to the slower pace of Italian footie. Arsenal are after something a little more whippet-like for the box, apparently.

Tal Ben Haim to Tottenham
Now that he’s wept to the press, HUMILIATING his handsome manager, who would ever want Tal Ben Haim on their books? In a word, Tottenham Hotspur United.