Two girls, one cup… well, plate

Wow, what a Wimbledon! Who would ever have imagined that Federer would face Nadal in the men’s final? Or that the Williams sisters might meet in the women’s? That’s right, only every single human being on the planet. Even people who have never heard of tennis. That said, there were a couple of minor shocks - the kind one might get from accidentally taking an electric heater into the bath, or popping an index finger into a plug socket.

Two of those surprises took the form of Ivanovic and Sharapova (both pictured below).

Look, it was her or Mauresmo, okay!

Hey, who cares that Kournikova hasn’t picked up a racket in about five years? Or that she pretty much fluked her way to the Wimbledon semi-finals over ten years ago and never achieved anything else? The woman invented pretty tennis players. Before that, the best you could hope for was Gabriela Sabatini, and even she looked a bit like a man.

Russian mixes a great face with a nice bod

Don’t, whatever you do, be fooled by Elena’s wide eyed smile and fashionably blonde hair - this woman is one tough cookie. Beneath the cutesy “oooh aren’t I pretty” visage beats the heart of a tigress, a warrior, a Wimbledon semi finalist, all the way from sunny Russia.

Say hello to the strong face of beauty…

There’s no avoiding it, Serena Williams is a whole world of woman. Strong, athletic, muscular - and that’s just the buttocks. Were she a Venn diagram, “buxom”, “sexy” and “gargantuan” would all be overlapping… if that’s what Venn diagrams do. They’re the ones with the circles, right?

Yeah, bit of an acquired taste, this one…

The world is spattered with roaring debates which will never end - is there really a God, and if so who is it? Who assassinated who and when? And is Jelena Jankovic sexy in a weird kind of way? Anyone who saw the way she teased Jamie Murray all the way to a Wimbledon doubles victory last year will know that this strange-faced woman knows how to correctly apply her delicate charms to get what she wants. The guy pretty much had an erection for the whole tournament.

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Ever seen a grown woman almost naked?

Okay, so Brooklyn Decker isn’t strictly a female tennis player. In fact, whether she has ever played tennis or not isn’t even known. Not by anyone. But what we do know is that she’s engaged to Andy Roddick - he’s the big serving American hopeful who tumbled out of Wimbledon just yesterday, putting paid to any chance of catching a glimpse of her in the crowd. What an idiot.

Tennis star is both tall AND thin

Daniela, semi finalist at the Australian Open not so long ago, is a tall skinny woman from Slovakia. Her distinguishing features include a two-handed backhand (pretty standard now) and the ability to look stern and unlovable on the court, but then surprisingly alluring when photographed off it. Some might put that down to the use of black and white in the pictures, others might not.

Like the moderately well known existentialist philosopher, Lev Shestov, Alyona is Ukrainian

What do you mean you’ve never heard of this girl? She’s the nineteenth best woman’s tennis player in the world! Not only that, she’s an absolute whizz at doubles, having won the Australian Open with her little sister, Kateryna.

When she’s not out on court lashing and the ball and squealing, she’s described as a “spokesperson” for trainer giants K-Swiss - which presumably means that she walks the earth preaching about footwear.

Not just a great sportswoman, also tremendous to look at

That’s right. Lucky Ana was born blessed with a gift for both athleticism and beauty - choosing to put tennis above a career in modeling, or any bits of promotional work she might have swept up in her hometown of Serbia. And it was a pretty great choice too, because she’s just won the French Open, and looks like a contender for the Wimbledon crown and sceptre. Clever move.