England gaffer learns the lingo, but doesn’t tell Ray Clemence to stop dancing

At his inaugural England press conference way back in December, Fabio Capello nonchalantly stated that he would learn English fluently in just one month - bearing in mind a great deal of young people come out of the British educational system with little more grasp of the language than a Polish cleaner, this is quite a ballsy claim.

The ‘one month’ boasting, however, turned out to be a worrying display of over-confidence (or perhaps a cruel trick from his interpreter), as Don Fabio was still jabbering away in Italian at the France friendly last month.

But things are looking up for USA friendly in May, as Mr Capello

If new anti-swearing rules come into place, Wayne’s entire vocabulary will become redundant

According to the good folk at The Offside, the FA are backing a zero tolerance proposal towards swearing on the pitch. If a player says a naughty word, whether out of personal frustration or as a form of abuse, he will be sent off.

The move will please family viewers, who get to lip-read Wayne Rooney’s foul tirade in every game. However the move will outrage Wayne Rooney, as he will lose the right to use every adjective and noun he knows while on the pitch.

National broadcaster confuses unhappy pensioner with rowdy protest Following the announcement that Fabio Capello would be taking the reins at England HQ, I went and checked out the ‘fierce protests’ at Soho Square. When I arrived, the rowdy anti-Capello xenophobic yobs I had been promised turned out to be just one man. A retired policeman called Ray, whose main complaint was the price of his train fare.

His picture has crept up again today on the BBC website, in an article in which ancient Swiss bureaucrat Sepp Blatter voices concern for a foreign England manager. The caption ‘An England supporter protests against Capello’s appointment’ implies

The Spoiler meets the patriotic front at Soho Square

Earlier today, The Spoiler was alerted to a huge fuss being made down at Soho Square. A mass of xenophobic yobs were said to be protesting at the FA’s decision to put another foreign manager in charge of the national side.

Naturally, we ran down as fast as we could, taping up jewellery and getting ready to windmill in, all in the name of