The big news today is that it is officially the most meltiest hot day ever known to mankind - or, at least, it feels that way. And in other smoldering news, Ronaldo will be lining up for Real Madrid next year…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
The loud clamour coming from sunny Spain is that Cristiano Ronaldo has already met with Real Madrid’s Director of Football and agreed to play for the La Liga winners next season. It would, of course, be the biggest scoop of the summer, probably breaking big transfer records. You heard it here first (or second if you read the Spanish press, clever cloggs).
Thierry Henry to Absolutely Anywhere
Anyone who saw the aftershow chit-chat following last night’s Real Madrid/ Barcelona drubbing already knows that at Barca they have an enormous list of players who they don’t want any more (according to the terrifying satanic voice of Henk ten Cate). One of those is Thierry Henry. He will be off.
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City
Manchester City are ready to offer £32 million for Berbatov, and will be hoping to tempt him with their long winters, non-Champions League football, and eccentric owner who has a reassuringly itchy trigger finger. Good luck, guys.
Middlesbrough managed to pull themselves away from a relegation scrap at the right time, but they’ll have just enough rope to hang themselves next season if they bring Paul Robinson on board. Here’s today’s rumours from the north east and beyond:
Thierry Henry to Arsenal
While the BBC have shown us video of Henry himself saying the only Premier League club he would play for is Arsenal, The Sun chose to print a quote-free, substance-free story insisting he was going to Newcastle to be the new Alan Shearer. Bad timing, red top rumour monkeys.
Antonio Valencia to Liverpool
It must have been a nervy morning for Liverpool fans as they heard Rafa Benitez wanted to sign a Wigan player - “please don’t bring Heskey back” - luckily for them, Rafa is looking to sign his hundredth winger instead.
Aaron Lennon to Manchester City
City have never really got over the loss of Shaun Wright-Phillips to Chelsea’s reserve team, so now they plan to bring in the half-an-inch shorter replica.
Paul Robinson to Middlesbrough
Gareth Southgate has shown what he learnt when playing under Steve McLaren by choosing to replace his Champions League-bound keeper Mark Schwarzer with the seemingly Championship-bound
In an interview to be shown on tomorrow’s Football Focus, Barcelona striker Thierry Henry pines for the days he spent in North London. ‘There’s only one team for me in my heart,’ he said in reference to the team he left last June. Rumours are rife that Henry will be a part of Frank Rijkaard’s summer clearance, and he could well be headed for the Premiership. But would Wenger actually have him back? Wouldn’t he better off becoming another weapon in Chelsea’s, er, arsenal?
Mike Ashley should probably put the giant chequebook away
In this morning’s press, King Kev of the Tyne has once again claimed he would love to bring unsettled Barcelona striker Thierry Henry to Newcastle. In a Football Focus interview released this morning, however, the Frenchman has crushed Geordie dreams by claiming there is only one team for him:
“I’m happy - I don’t regret leaving Arsenal.
“But there’s only one team in England for me. Everybody knows the love and affection
Being people who breakfast doesn’t hinder The Spoiler’s progress, in fact, quite the opposite, much can be learnt from a simple trip to a local breakfasterie. Here’s what the people are saying in between sausage and eggs and slurps of finest splosh:
Emmanuel Adebayor to AC Milan or Juventus
Despite lurching around the pitch, accidentally knocking in twenty-one goals as he goes, the animated chat is that the lanky one might be more suited to the slower pace of Italian footie. Arsenal are after something a little more whippet-like for the box, apparently.
Tal Ben Haim to Tottenham
Now that he’s wept to the press, HUMILIATING his handsome manager, who would ever want Tal Ben Haim on their books? In a word, Tottenham Hotspur United.
People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.
Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!
Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!
All the talk at the beginning of the season was about how Arsenal would get on without Henry - most people were convinced that Spurs would even pip them as the top team in North London. And yet, Wenger has proved everyone wrong… and a bit right.
Spanish paper travels deep inside superstar’s head to locate the source of his poor form
The Barcelona daily Sport today wonders “What’s the matter with Thierry Henry?” as, indeed, it does most days. On this occasion, however, it thinks it has found the real reason why the Frenchman is the shadow of the player they thought they were buying.
“Thierry Henry blames his poor form on being apart from his daughter,” the paper solemnly intones, but then ominously, “there are other reasons that for the moment are being covered up.
“From sources close to the player, we are told that Henry feels very lonely, doesn’t understand why the press give him so much stick, is having a hard time settling, and that the club isn’t helping him very much as everyone just minds their own business.” Won’t someone give Thierry Henry a home this Easter?
The number one Spurs WAG (in south Texas, not north London)
Despite growing up in Texas, Eva Longoria managed to avoid the slow road to obesity, and found fame playing Gabrielle in Desperate Housewives (she’s the youngish one whose always finds an excuse to trot around in just her underwear).In 2006, she shot straight to the top of the international WAG league when she married Tony Parker, point guard for her favourite basketball team the San Antonio Spurs. Their marriage, however, hit a rough patch when Parker was rumoured to have had an affair with a young lady introduced to him by Thierry Henry, and there’s more speculation that she could be finishing with her man, as recent pictures suggest she has either removed or covered up a tattoo depicting her wedding date.
