Tomorrow’s headlines today…

Forget all this today stuff, let’s have a glance through the mists of a murky crystal ball we bought from Mario off Big Brother…

Ronaldo’s on his way to Man City
This summer there was a flurry of excitement when Man City offered Ronaldinho the opportunity to sample Manchester’s sumptuous nightlife, whilst occasionally kicking a football from side to side. That wasn’t to be, but fans of the Citizens can rejoice because AC Milan’s vice-president Adriano Galliani has claimed that Ronaldo, the striker recovering from a ruptured kneecap ligament, bad hair and a massive belly, is on his way. He said: “Ronaldo to Manchester City? It’s all true. A very good friend of mine who is a Brazilian football expert confirmed it to me.” Excellent.

Rio readies his hairdryer
Jack of all trades Rio Ferdinand has announced that he would like to follow in Sir Alex Ferguson’s shoes when he retires from football by becoming a manager. He said: “I love football so I’m sure I’ll be involved in the game in one way, shape or form. As I get older, management seems the direction that I’d like to see myself in.”

Tomorrow’s headlines today

Look at you, sitting there, gorging yourself on all things Big Brother. You need to take some time out for football, friend. Here’s all the big news from the day after today. Otherwise known as “tomorrow”…

Portsmouth want Ronaldo
No, the world hasn’t gone completely bananas, Cristiano isn’t desperate to move to Fratton Park, this is the REAL Ronaldo. The one who’s fat and looks a little bit like Fred West (pictured). The injured striker didn’t have his AC Milan contract renewed and is looking for someone to take pity on him - kindly Harry Redknapp might be the man for the job.

Chelsea signing off without playing a game
Eagle-eyed Avram Grant signed two players as Chelsea manager: Nicolas Anelka - he who missed the decisive penalty in the Champions League final - and Branislav Ivanovic, who cost £9.7 million but is yet to play a game. Chelsea supposedly beat off Man United and the whole of Italy for the defender’s signature, but are now ready to offload him to Juventus for under £4 million. Now, The Spoiler ain’t no Carol Vorderman, but that sounds like bad b’iness to us.