Looks like Saturday’s man of the match is off to Spurs after all 

And this year, the prize for the most confusing Premier League player goes to Lassana Diara - well done, you can now join the hallowed ranks of Cantona, Robert - actually, just anyone French - and probably Le Saux (French surname).

The Spoiler has long since speculated that he’s simply a gap year student doing a spot of traveling, while others insist that he might actually be the biggest oversight in Arsene Wenger’s splendid managerial career, and Chelsea were equally stupid to let him go after just thirteen appearances - often using him as a right back. This summer, Abramovich, just buy one.

The plot further thickened at the weekend, when Tony Adams - now switched from booze to joss sticks - freaked everyone out by saying: “Portsmouth needs to come up to his standards, can the club do that?”

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…

The Spoiler presents the best of the angry, drunk and depressed

The main issue that footballers have is that once away from the pitch, what is there to do? God forbid they have to pick up a book and read! The lucky ones play golf and hang out with Gary Neville, while the rest of them stare blank-eyed into the depths of their tortured souls.

How about this team for a freaky dressing room!

GK Mark Bosnich
There was a time when the Australian looked set to become the greatest goalkeeper the world had ever seen, but then he set eyes of silly Sophie Anderton, and went about shoveling cocaine up his nose instead of training. He then became a little bit weird.

DL Ben Thatcher
A horrible man, Thatcher will be remembered mainly for his revolting use of his elbows - most notably on Pedro Mendes of Portsmouth, who took such a wallop that he had a seizure. Serious violence issues, he makes the line-up in front of Ashley Cole, who isn’t so much troubled as just a total bastard.

DC Tony Adams
Forget the straight-faced gentlemanly MOTD2 demeanor, there was a time when Adams would hurl back the beers and set off fire extinguishers in Pizza Hut - all because he was drunk, the idiot. Then there was the time he smashed a Ford Sierra into a wall, shortly before going to prison. Oops (hic!).

DC Paul McGrath
McGrath had the look of a man who would silently strangle people in alleyways, but as defenders go, he was brilliant. Problem was, he was so addicted to drink that he once thought it wise to wolf down some lighter fluid (apparently). Euch.

Arsenal legend provides welcome alternative to the matey blandness of Shearer and pals

Match of the Day 2 has been cleaning Match of the Day’s clock for a long time now. Personable Chiles is better than link-machine Lineker, Lee Dixon is a bright and insightful analyst, providing stiff competition for alpha pundit Alan Hansen’s cold, all-seeing defensive eye. Meanwhile Alan Shearer’s preference for stating the obvious is threatening to drag the flagship beneath the waves.

Now, with the addition of Tony Adams to “Day 2″, “Day” has slipped even further behind. At first sight he exhibits a quite disturbing level of discomfort at being on television, yet the ill-fitting, poorly coordinated clothes and the hair that product forgot provide the perfect framework for his troubled observations. While the main MOTD is all sweatery banter, straight from the golf club,