Sorry Toon fans, the rotund cockney ain’t going anywhere just yet

Newcastle fans desperate to see the back of Mike Ashley must have thought their prayers had been answered when clicking on the Sky Sports website this morning and finding the headline “Magpies poised for takeover” as one of the lead football stories.

The sub-heading “Middle East-based consortium have bid accepted” would have whetted appetites even more only for a glance down the page to reveal the story is about League Two side Notts County.

Far be it from us to accuse someone of using a misleading headline to get hits on their site (ahem), but they could have avoided heaping more misery on the Geordie nation by taking Auntie’s approach .

He’s not the messiah, he’s a very greedy boy

Hey, you love Jesus right? That’s because he was really cool about everything. But what if your nice beardy Jesus man had risen from the dead and returned to earth, livid and suing everyone - Judas, Peter, Herod, Buddha, Satan, Santa, everyone. Then where would your Christianity be? Yeah, exactly, you don’t know.

Which leads us seamlessly to Kevin Keegan, the Newcastle messiah, who is rumoured to be suing the club for £9 million in damages, sobbing about how he was unfairly dismissed, he didn’t want to sell Milner, it was all Llambias’ fault. Could his loyal apostles in the Toon Army really stand by him should he leave such a long smudge on the Newcastle history books?

The messageboards tell us this:

Some voices have been disguised for comedic reasons

Or to hear how it sounded in real life, click here

[The Guardian]