Rubbish team will strike, but English club could save the day

Fresh from a bizarre centre circle protest last week, relegated Levante are planning to ruin Real Madrid’s championship celebrations on Sunday. Players of the financially-troubled club, who are owed around 18million Euros in wages, are unapologetic about a plan to strike and spoil Real’s big day. Captain Luis Manuel Rubiales said:

“Madrid has fans all over Spain, including in our team, and we are the last ones to want to cause it [sic] trouble.”

Levante has not been training all week and are adamant they will not play the league game, which means Madrid will be awarded all three points. If they find themselves contractually obliged to show up for a friendly tie, however, the players also have a scheme to enrage the Bernabeu faithful: according to some Spanish reports, they will field seven players (the minimum

The big talk in the various underground drinking holes of North London is that the promising French midfielder Lassana Diarra is going to continue his whistle-stop tour of Great Britain with a prolonged visit to Spurs. That’ll be his eighty-ninth club this year - or his third.

And yet, how useful would he have been on the other side of North London at Arsenal, had Wenger maintained his chilling ability to see into the future? Plus, more importantly, are we wrong to be losing faith in the proven football scholar?

Visit a North London pub at any time during the week, and you’ll see two grown men ferociously bloodying one another’s noses, bellowing profanities about Tottenham and Arsenal. The debate as to which is better will rage until the end of time. Except in the Jonathan Woodgate house.

Apparently, Tottenham players have nicknamed Jonathan Woodgate ‘Frank’, due to his likeness to Frank Gallagher from Shameless. They both have long greasy hair and they have both had brushes with the law, but otherwise I’m not too sure about this one.

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

It’s inevitable that Berbatov will be playing Champions League football next season, hence the men in suits at Tottenham have been frantically shuffling paper and yammering about possible alternatives. David Villa was looking the most likely target.

Until today.

While most sane people have spent the morning looking to the heavens trying to figure out where all the drizzle is coming from, the rest of us have been discussing London Elections, chomping back numerous bags of crisps, and keeping a casual eye fixed angrily on transfer rumours. Here’s what it found out.

Dean Ashton to Newcastle
Kevin Keegan is reportedly eyeing up Ashton to take over Mark Viduka’s role of standing perfectly still while Michael Owen and Obafemi Martin zip around in circles like dogs chasing a bumble bee. Ashton is rumoured to be keen.

David Villa to Tottenham
Days after emphatically declaring Arsenal as his dream destination, it looks like David Villa might throw caution to the wind and go to Spurs instead. Luckily for him, Tottenham fans are hugely forgiving - just ask Pat Jennings… or Sol Campbell.

For those who missed Britain’s Got Talent at the weekend, the conclusion was that it doesn’t… got talent. No one new came along to wow the judges, and the only real positive was the body popping street urchin who made everyone erupt into spontaneous tears of euphoria last year. In a similar vein, it looks like Chelsea have stopped looking for new stars and just want Kaka or Messi - has Abramovich secretly put Cowell in charge of transfers?

Kaka to Chelsea
Milan moneyman Adriano Galliani’s bold declaration that it would take something stupid like £55 million to prize Kaka away was intended to stop people hassling him all the time. What he didn’t take into account is that Abramovich happily spends £55 million on breakfasting and yachts.

Richard Dunne to Newcastle
In his continuing quest to assemble a team which could have won the league in 1999, Keegan is apparently taking a serious look at Dunne - no doubt intending to play him in a defence consisting of him, Steve Howey, Jason McAteer, and Graeme Le Saux. Hey Kevin, you know who’s really good? Alan Shearer!

Gareth Barry to Arsenal
With the rumours heavily suggesting that Flamini is going to flounce off to Italy in the summer, the whisper is that Arsenal are going to challenge Liverpool and Chelsea for Barry’s affections. Which, of course, means that he’s off to Old Trafford to stare awkwardly at Carrick and Hargreaves in training.

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?

Being people who breakfast doesn’t hinder The Spoiler’s progress, in fact, quite the opposite, much can be learnt from a simple trip to a local breakfasterie. Here’s what the people are saying in between sausage and eggs and slurps of finest splosh:

Emmanuel Adebayor to AC Milan or Juventus
Despite lurching around the pitch, accidentally knocking in twenty-one goals as he goes, the animated chat is that the lanky one might be more suited to the slower pace of Italian footie. Arsenal are after something a little more whippet-like for the box, apparently.

Tal Ben Haim to Tottenham
Now that he’s wept to the press, HUMILIATING his handsome manager, who would ever want Tal Ben Haim on their books? In a word, Tottenham Hotspur United.