Men with tempers, stop reading now…

It’s that heady time of summer when the transfer window edges open, and swathes of footballers are given permission to seek a better life away from whatever Siberian/Spanish/Newcastle Hell-hole they’ve been rotting in for the last few years. They get to negotiate sparkling new deals, cast off the cobwebs and move happily into a new chapter of their great lives. So why can’t football fans?

Why can’t the simple man on the street renegotiate his allegiance to, say, Wigan, and head off to the shops to buy himself a bright red Man United jumper, politely inform his family and friends that he now wants to be known as “Red Phil” as opposed to “Wigan Phil”, and then spend next season getting into fights over Wayne Rooney, all the while enjoying some actual joy in his life for the first time. Possibly ever. Is it too much to ask? Is it?

Here’s where we think teams will finish in 2008/09, based on their signings so far

[click table to enlarge]

As the only big four club to sign a truly big name, Chelsea take the lead in The Spoiler’s inaugural transfer prediction league.

Tottenham climb ahead of Liverpool after moving quickly to make three big signings, and reports that Lukas Podolski could be on his way help strengthen their position. It’s vital they keep hold of Robbie Keane though who is being linked with a move to Liverpool.

Rafa Benitez has signed Philipp Degen and Andrea Dossena but Liverpool still look

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

All of today’s transfer rumours in one tasty package

With the economy in tatters, it now seems that a football team can buy three Frank Lampards for the cost of a Darren Bent. According to The Sun, Inter will bid a measly £6.6m for the Chelsea star, despite the fact that he cost them £11m back in 2001 when everyone thought he was a bit average. Come on, Internazionale, Abramovich has more money than that sitting between his couch cushions.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
Fantastic news: now Portugal are out of Euro 2008, so petulant w(h)inger Ronaldo can start toying with the emotions of the fans who worship him again. We didn’t even get to see him cry first - how unfair!

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He will announce his intentions this weekend, apparently, but it all depends on whether United let him fulfil his dream of making obscene amounts of money

Jan Koller to Birmingham
Yes, you read that right. One of the most prolific strikers in international football has heard all about the physicality of the Coca Cola Championship and is eager to get himself a piece of the action.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Not even Baros would go to Birmingham right now

Andrei Arshavin or Obafemi Martins to Arsenal
It looks like Arsene Wenger is getting uncomfortable

Today’s transfer rumours, some more ridiculous than others

Despite possessing a questionable state of mental health, a low quality tabloid has linked the man who drunkenly gave me a tenner on my tenth birthday (true story) with a managerial job in the Philippines. Frankly, there’s a better chance of Jermain Defoe declaring a vow of abstinence, but the rest of today’s rumours have a little more substance…

Paul Gascoigne to the Phillippines
The seldom-reliable Daily Star claim that The Phillippines want to ‘rescue’ Gazza by making him the manager of their national team. There must be logic in that idea somewhere but we’re not going to bother guessing what it is.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ludicrous idea if true

David Bentley to Everton
Bentley’s bold transfer request might not have panned out as he intended it to. It’s not Liverpool and Chelsea throwing pound notes at him to seduce him, it’s Aston Villa and Everton.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We still expect Chelsea to make a move

Ronaldinho to LA Galaxy
Forget about Barcelona, forget about Chelsea, hell, even forget about Manchester City. Despite only being 28, Ronaldinho

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[Chelsea Pies]

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[BBC]

Fernando Torres doesn’t like to be touched
[Daily Mail]

It’s like Kramer vs Kramer all over again… in a way

People of north London, lock your doors, put bars on your windows, and head upstairs to hide under a dressing table - it’s all kicking off in the transfer market. And yet again, London-bound players are being ordered to chose between Spurs and Arsenal.

Arsene Wenger has been granted full access to the club purse over the summer, and this week he should be putting a ribbon on a gorgeous £11 million deal for Marseille’s Samir Nasri. But then the trouble begins

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.

In a shrewd move, Benitez chose to air some of his grievences after the weekend match - “I need to talk to the board as soon as possible and clarify the situation,” he said “I need to resolve questions and I want some answers.” The Liverpool boss probably knows that without the Champions League to play for, he’d already be toast. But this way, should it all go wrong against Chelsea, he can point to the problems seeping down from the top, but should his team repeat their 2005 success, he will look like the man who kept his head while all around lost theirs.