Because they can’t play Blackburn every week

Like a hospital patient on suicide watch, Chelsea won’t be allowed near the window any time soon. Yet despite thumping Blackburn Rovers on Saturday, Chelsea have confirmed that they will now appeal to the confusingly-ordered CAS (Court of Sport Arbitration,) over their year-long transfer ban. In so doing, the resultant delay ensures their ability to do business this January, but does risk an extension of the ban if the Court deem their appeal to lack foundation.

This risk demonstrates that Carlo Ancelotti has concluded that his team still need enforcing in January. Knowing his wallet may soon start to gather cobwebs, and needing to keep up with the Abu Dhabi crew up North, Roman Abramovic will be under big pressure to do some pretty heavy spending.

So who is Ancelotti eyeing? Goalkeepers will certainly be an area of interest, as might centre-half, due to the continuing problems of Petr Cech and Ricardo Carvalho respectively. The African Cup of Nations will certainly be in mind too, and hence backup for Drogba will be handy. Of course, the imminent transfer ban, that consequentially could even last beyond the original two windows should this appeal fail, will also be a factor. With a year of transfer famine potentially on its way, expect players to be hoarded like tamiflu in a house full of hypocondriacs, and possibly loaned back for six months, or even a year.  Arrivals could hence be staggered like the conventional transfer window system, even were Chelsea to play no part in it.

Chelsea fans - who would you like to see arrive in January? Let us know below…

The stars who have failed to live up to their transfer fees

As the folks who ploughed their cash into the Sega Saturn, Minidiscs and HD-DVDs will testify, sometimes smart investments don’t quite work out. With this in mind, Spoiler correspondent Joe Thompson has compiled a list of ten Premier League players who have failed to deliver on the financial commitment their respective clubs made to bring them in…

Andriy Shevchenko
(Chelsea, £31m)
When Chelsea signed ‘Sheva’ in 2006 on a four year deal, it was for a club record fee - but this was a record breaking player. He’d won everything with Milan, bagged the Ballon d’Or and had twice been top scorer in Serie A. Since his move to West London, however, he’s managed 20 goals in 83 appearances, and a season shipped out on loan back to his beloved Milan. Did he rediscover his form there? Did he f**k. He’ll be 33 next month as a once-great career slides away. Abramovich’s ultimate vanity signing has been his worst.

Kolo Toure
(Manchester City, £14m)
While part of the 2003/04 title-winning ‘invincibles’, he could have been in the Best Value top ten. One of Wenger’s best buys for £150,000, he was immense. The past couple of seasons though, Toure and Arsenal have struggled with consistency, with the team’s spine being called into question. Unlike Chelsea with Shevchenko, The Citizens have bought a player who has already lost his form.

Zat Knight
(Bolton, £5m)
You’ve got to feel for Bolton fans.

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Glenn Hoddle tells us how Ossie Ardiles dented the FA Cup
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AFC Wimbledon’s Danny Kedwell is upset that he didn’t back himself to be Conference top scorer. He should probably be happy he didn’t break the law and get himself fired
[London Informer]

Rio will be out for another three to four weeks
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Alexey Smertin recalls oatmeal at Portsmouth and napkin throwing at Chelsea
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Fergie will not dip back into the transfer market to improve the state of things at Manchester Utd
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Manchester City eye up Boca Juniors’ Riquelme
[Tribal Football]

Some reassuring stats for Manchester Utd fans
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Follow us on Twitter
[Twitter]

The players who won’t make the grade at their new clubs

In the spirit of writing people off at an unreasonably early stage of the season, we asked Spoiler correspondent Joe Thompson to list the top ten newbies who are likely to struggle in 2009/10. Thankfully, he obliged…

Alberto Aquilani
(Roma to Liverpool, £20m)
‘What?! I’ve seen him on YouTube, he’s a maestro! Great vision, long range shooting! Like Gerrard with nice hair!’ True, but he’s also crocked enough to make Darren Anderton look like The Terminator. In all competitions, he’s made 90 starts in five seasons. Look at the YouTube compilations again, he’s got a different haircut in every clip. OK, he’s Italian - it proves nothing- but he doesn’t play much. At £20m, Benitez has taken a massive gamble. By the time he plays it’ll be nearly Christmas, and a crunching (or even soft) tackle away at Stoke or Bolton might mean he’s glad to get back to the comfort of the treatment room.

Ronald Zubar
(Marseille to Wolves, undisclosed)
Very few players are immortalised in a football expression– The ‘Cruyff’ Turn, The ‘Blanco’ Bounce and ‘Zubrelances’. The latter is a term the Marseille faithful coined to describe Zubar’s regular defensive howlers. He’s played for France U-21’s, but then Titus Bramble also played U-21 football when he was clowning around at Newcastle. Mick McCarthy is already ‘pleading for patience’ with his new signing - Wolves fans are going to need it.

Roque Santa Cruz
(Blackburn Rovers to Man City, £17m)
Initially, this looked like a great match. Hughes had long been giving him the eye after re-launching his career

A team of fresh faces who represent excellent value for money

Although the transfer window isn’t locked shut until the end of the month, the brand new Premier League season is but a few hours away. With this in mind, Spoiler correspondent Ben Baker has considered the best buys of the summer so far, compiling a team of his favourites…

Joe Hart
(Manchester City to Birmingham, Season Long Loan)
A transfer that suits both parties. Joe wants to win more senior England caps, and since he has been edged out of the number one spot at Manchester City by a certain Mr. Given, first team opportunities have been lacking. His search for regular football has led him to the Midlands and Birmingham are surely delighted that this promising young English goalkeeper will be between the sticks for the season. Also, you just have to love him for his mental attitude and abrasive shouting when facing a penalty - he’s like a loopier version of Bruce Grobbelaar.

Glen Johnson
(Portsmouth to Liverpool, £17.5m)
Beating off Chelsea and Manchester City and getting one over his rivals would have made this deal extra sweet for the ever-irritated Rafa. Johnson had a superb season last year, both with club and country, epitomised by his man of the match performance against an (albeit woeful) Andorra side that saw him notch up four assists from full back, and will add a whole new dimension to Liverpool’s right side. A high price to pay, but as Rafa said, “Sometimes you have to spend a little bit more.”A sentiment that is particularly true for English players.

Yuri Zhirkov
(CSKA Moscow to Chelsea, £18m)
A Russian at Chelsea? How did that happen? This versatile

Russian advises compatriots to double check their contracts

As if Arsene Wenger didn’t have enough to worry about. Now the season is over Andrei Arshavin has finally got round to the business of opening his bank statements, which were possibly lost amongst the plates and Heineken bottles on his kitchen table, and he’s not happy with what he sees:

“I have a problem with my contract. Certain nuances emerged linked to taxation and some other things. As a result, I’m getting less money than I expected.“

Andrei’s main problem seems to be he’s just realised the rate of taxation in Blighty isn’t as comfortable as the 13% he’s used to in Russia.

Hotshot striker is developing at an awesome rate

After Arsenal’s limp-wristed attempt at putting up a title fight this season, Arsene Wenger has spent the last few weeks deflecting questions about his increasingly inadequate transfer policy of refusing to sign any player that isn’t fresh out of school uniform.

Speaking to Arsenal TV, Wenger has once again asked Gunners fans to give it time, as it’ll all come good next season, promise:

Which chosen few will jump ship?

With as many as four clubs still in the race to join West Brom in the Championship next season, Premier League vultures are already circling in preparation to pick off the relegated teams’ best players. The Spoiler has a look at 5 players who are likely to continue plying their trade in the top flight whatever the outcome on Sunday. Jeremie Aliadiere need not apply.

Sunderland: Kenwyne Jones

Kenwyne Jones’ importance to Sunderland has been underlined by his bagging 9 goals in the league this season, despite spending the first few months on the physio’s table. Although Spurs boss Harry Redknapp recently denied he was still interested in the 24-year-old striker after a failed transfer bid in January, speculation over Roman Pavlyuchenko’s imminent exit from White Hart Lane is rife, and a move could still be on the cards.