Fellow Eastern European emigre warns of ‘dark-skinned people’

Sergio Rebrov, who contributed little except for bad feeling in return for a pay packet at Tottenham, has been kind enough to offer advice to Roman Pavlyuchenko following his arrival in North London. Yet he didn’t dispense useful tips for avoiding traffic on the north circular or let him know that an umbrella might come in handy in Blighty - his comments had a much more discriminatory tinge:

‘I wouldn’t go for a walk on my own around White Hart Lane.

‘A lot of dark skinned people live there. So naturally the crime rate is higher than anywhere else.

‘It’s not nice to be a robbery victim. So I suggest that Roman doesn’t walk but drives around that area.’

Perhaps Rebrov thinks life is much more glamorous in his hometown of Horlivka, where the decline of the mining industry has made it more depressing than listening to a Coldplay album while thinking about how much cheaper petrol was five years ago. As if this wasn’t bad enough,

FIFA examines evidence of international football naughtiness

This week, FIFA president Sepp Blatter took a break from being ridiculous to respond to allegations that an Asian gambling syndicate affected the outcome of several games in the 2006 World Cup finals. Following the findings of journalist Declan Hill in his book The Fix, the German version of Bild reports that the Swiss oaf is on the case:

“FIFA are actively trying to bring clarity to the situation.”

Blatter also promised to examine Ghana’s 3-0 loss to Brazil in World Cup 2006, one of the games said to have been fixed by the Asian mafia. Bild recently spoke to Ghanaian goalkeeper Abukari Damba, who is accused

Victoria’s Secret model with a taste for terrifying boxer-types

In the world of modeling, 24-year-old Czech Karolína Kurková is a big deal: only Gisele Bündchen and Heidi Klum are in greater demand, and she has made a comfortable living posing in clothes that only Frank Lampard can afford for the past nine years. Essentially, she could have any man she wanted, but according to German tabloid Bild, the blonde lovely has directed her affections towards a man whose nickname is Dr Steel Hammer, and whose appearance resembles that of a provincial nightclub bouncer. Ukrainian heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko is a lucky chap.

Like the moderately well known existentialist philosopher, Lev Shestov, Alyona is Ukrainian

What do you mean you’ve never heard of this girl? She’s the nineteenth best woman’s tennis player in the world! Not only that, she’s an absolute whizz at doubles, having won the Australian Open with her little sister, Kateryna.

When she’s not out on court lashing and the ball and squealing, she’s described as a “spokesperson” for trainer giants K-Swiss - which presumably means that she walks the earth preaching about footwear.

Meet Europe’s biggest maniacs

Face it, without MOTD to watch at the weekend, and with no one around to talk to, you WILL be watching the Eurovision Song Contest. Not least because it’s the most enthralling and weird television you will ever see in your life. Europeans are genuinely bananas.

Click here for the ultimate Eurovision guide

When bogged down with manly things like football talk and chainsmoking, The Spoiler likes to secretly kick back and unwind by seriously studying Eurovision betting markets - there is a lot of money to be made.

Our source in Serbia (this year’s host nation) reports back that Ireland missed out on getting to the finals last night, because they couldn’t figure out how to control their puppet turkey without the rest of Europe seeing some sweaty old puppeteer in the background. Our foreign pals were not amused.

Rich Liverpool striker complains about his charmed life

Andriy Voronin has taken time out of his busy schedule of buying hideous clothing to let rip about his miserable life in the north of England. The Ukrainian told a Russian newspaper:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

According to Voronin, Germany is also a wonderful land without crime, where people leave their gingerbread houses unlocked when they go and play at the Gumdrop Lake in the Happy Forest. Not like nasty smelly horrible England:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often.

“We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Hellbent on getting booed at his next home appearance, Andriy went on to criticise the Scouse accent:

“[Learning]English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players