Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Yesterday, David Villa was supposed to be ushered into White Hart Lane for a cool £32 million, but today all the talk is about Dean Ashton and how they won’t pay West Ham’s £18 million asking price (quite right, too). Fear not though, Spurs fans, Juande Ramos has now decided Atletico Madrid’s Diego Forlan is the right man for the job, according to the journos fishing for a story experts at The Mirror…

Louis Saha to West Ham
The Irons are another side actively trying to bring in another striker, but the Daily Mail reports that they want to wait until the Frenchman’s knee injury clears up before making an offer. Perhaps they don’t want any outside help in their bid to retain the Physio Room Injury League title.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Saha may prefer the ex-United haven at Sunderland, while

Someone’s been watching Easy Rider

Messi has long resembled a reject from The Monkees (or a young Brian Wilson), so stand him next to his Argentinean team mates Fernando Gago and Ever Banega, and it’s like the 1960s all over again, man. Hilariously, The Spoiler thought it an idea to tag Neil from The Young Ones onto the end of the picture to really hammer the point home.

Get a haircut, damn pot smoking hippies!

For another take on things, head over to Kickette.

Scolari wants every single big name player in the world, apparently

The newspapers should just ‘fess up and admit it - they haven’t a clue who which players Luiz Felipe Scolari would like to bring to Chelsea. Naturally, they have all assumed the Brazilian will want to load the squad with his fellow countrymen - The Sun fancy Ronaldinho to come for £20m and £120k a week (a damn site cheaper than the supposed Manchester City asking price), while The Guardian believe Kaka will be strolling over to West London, in exchange for a £60m slice of Abramovich’s bottomless kitty.

The Guardian also claims that Fernando Torres could become subject to Big Phil’s fiery temper next year - the unlikely move could ease Liverpool’s financial woes, but the Kop faithful would probably sooner burn a couple of Americans at the stake than let their prettyboy striker go. That said, the Spanish press linked him with a move to Chelsea over a month ago.

Not wanting to be left out in all the madness, middle England housewives’ favourite The Daily Mail have waded in by suggesting that Franck Ribery is also ‘flattered by their formal approach’.

Other players linked with the club since Scolari’s arrival include Barcelona’s Deco and Samuel Eto’o, and also Spurs target David Villa.

For a man who is currently engrossed in the process of winning a European Championships and has only been formally linked with Chelsea for two days, this seems like an awful lot of transfer inquiries.

So which rumours do you believe? Let us know who you think will be at The Bridge next season with a comment below.

[Picture: The Sun]

While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.

Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.

It’s inevitable that Berbatov will be playing Champions League football next season, hence the men in suits at Tottenham have been frantically shuffling paper and yammering about possible alternatives. David Villa was looking the most likely target.

Until today.

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?

Still speechless with disbelief at the sight of the world’s most expensive team leaving the Carling Cup final on Sunday WITH LOSERS’ MEDALS, Roman Abramovich has decided to fight the pain and humiliation by spending yet more eye-watering sums of money. According to the Italian Gazzetta dello Sport, Poppa Abramovich is eager to buy Kaka, who is currently on loan to Milan from Jesus, for 33 million euros, presumably to make Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack compete even more viciously for a place in the side.

Mr Abramovich also apparently has room in his boot for yet more luxury shopping, namely Valencia’s David Villa and a manager, Barcelona’s Frank Rijkaard, at 130 million euros for the three decorative items.

Message boards have reacted to the news with purest scorn, mainly centred around the concept that Kaka can be bought so cheaply. One Spanish commenter writes: “Fuck me! Who knew a kilo of footballer was so cheap? Abramovich must have a young person’s discount card. At those prices I’d buy me a Villa and put it into the lounge next to the telly. Enough with your jokes. ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BUY VILLA, PREPARE YOUR WALLET FOR A GOOD WHACK.”

The best sports on the telebox tonight

The odds on a Barcelona win in the Copa Del Rey tonight are a measly 1/2, but you may find a little more value from Blue Square who are offering a more plausible evens on Messi and co winning the competition outright. Elsewhere, you can get an impressive 12/1 on Middlesbrough to go through to the FA Cup quarters on penalties tonight, and 9/2 on an upset when Rangers visit Hearts. Hey, it could happen…

Scottish Premier League
Hearts/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 7.45pm)

FA Cup fifth Round Replay
Middlesbrough/ Sheffield Utd (BBC1, 8.05pm) - betting guide and statistics here

Copa Del Rey Semi-Final First Leg
Barcelona/ Valencia (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)

The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Kevin Keegan’s latest stint at Newcastle will undoubtedly be the highlight of a packed weekend for armchair sportsfans – will his rejuvenated side be able to get the better of Bolton? Check out our preview here, then place your

Struggling team’s saviour turns out to be just another sex pest

If Rafa Benitez is feeling gloomy about his lot at the moment, he should spare a thought for the manager of his former club Valencia, Ronald Koeman, who must be pinned immobile to the floor with Churchillian depression right now.

His team plays as if unfamiliar with the game’s rules, and after identifying three of his most senior players as trouble makers and kicking them out of the squad, his much-despised president failed to