Things get even harder for Rafa, Arsenal stroll to victory…
Arsenal 4/ AZ Alkmaar 1
Cesc Fabregas (angrily) opened the scoring 25 minutes into Arsenal’s televised training match against the Dutch champions; Samir Nasri doubling the Gunners’ lead with an exquisite shoulder drop. Second half strikes from Fabregas and Abou Diaby wrapped up the win, although Alkmaar bagged a late consolation in the form of a Jeremain Lens toe punt.
At the final whistle, there was only one question on the lips of a half empty Emirates… what the f**k has happened to the Dutch league?
Lyon 1/ Liverpool 1
Last minute comebacks are meant to be reserved for Liverpool, although it seems Lisandro Lopez didn’t get the memo. The Argentinean striker took advantage of some suicidal injury time defending to cancel out Ryan Babel’s impressive 83rd minute strike, signaling most Reds fans to start checking which TV channels are still showing Europa League football.
In a game of stark contrasts, Andriy Voronin plumbed new depths of unacceptable wankery, while Lyon keeper Hugo Lloris did a lot more to justify his billing as Football Manager-endorsed Keeper of the Future than Igor Akinfeev had on Tuesday.
Leonid Slutsky’s (no laughing at the back) side took a surprise lead through Alan’s 25th minute strike, but were soon pegged back by a typically poached goal from Michael Owen. After going 3-1 down to a pair of all-too-easy goals from Milos Krasic and Vasili Berezutski, United staged a late rally - 84th minute late - with a Paul Scholes header and Antonio Valencia’s deflected equaliser.
Atletico Madrid 2/ Chelsea 2
Chelsea started the match ready to hammer an Atletico Madrid side, laughably shambolic on and off the pitch, who had nothing to play for. However, Atleti put in an admirable first-half performance, before Kun Aguero came on and smashed a 66th minute volley which stuck a massive middle finger up at any idea of a Blues rout.
Didier Drogba grabbed a late brace, but Aguero popped up again in injury time (with a free-kick that’ll add a few €m to his price tag in January) to grab a point.
A night of mixed fortunes for the English in Europe
Fiorentina 2/ Liverpool 0
“I have never seen us struggle so badly as in the first half - it was a poor performance.” A damning indictment of Liverpool’s performance in Tuscany last night from Rafa, as Stevan Jovetic - dubbed “The Montenegrin Messi” - bagged a brace. Liverpool now have some catching up to do in Group E.
Arsenal 2/ Olympiakos 0
Despite total dominance over the Greeks, the Gunners left it late to claim three points: RVP struck on 78 minutes, while Andrei Arshavin sealed it with a suspiciously offside effort on 86. Olympiakos boss Zico didn’t accuse the officials of being biased, but did note that three of them were French.
Preston NE 1/ Tottenham 5
There were no League Cup surprises last night as Aston Villa, Chelsea, Everton, Manchester Utd and Tottenham all ensured their places in the fourth round. For the third time this season, Spurs travelled north and bagged five goals, and the highlight of the bunch was the last, which hat-trick hero Peter Crouch audcasiously put away with a backheel volley.
English clubs keep 100 per cent record after first round
Liverpool 1/ Debreceni 0
After going through the process of finding out who the hell their opponents were, Liverpool fans were generally pleased with last night’s performance. Handsome Dutchman Dirk Kuyt made the difference, but there probably should have been a few more goals.
Standard Liege 2/ Arsenal 3
After five minutes it looked as if The Gunners were going to get hammered in Belgium, but they overcame the two-goal deficit in spectacular style thanks to Nicky Bendtner, Thomas Vermaelen and definitely-not-a-cheater Eduardo.
Spoiler bonus: Inter Milan’s clash with Barcelona promised to be a thrilling affair, but that promise was ultimately broken. Check out highlights of the deadlock after the jump…
Chelsea 1/ Porto 0
The Blues didn’t exactly carry themselves with the confidence that has allowed them to steamroll through Premiership opposition so far this season, but they claimed a vital three points against their Portuguese visitors thanks to an impressive finish from Nicolas Anelka. Porto’s Hulk tried his best to beat Petr Cech, but the tabloid headline writers were ultimately denied a hilarious pun.
Besiktas 0/ Manchester Utd 1
There were frayed tempers on and off the pitch over in Turkey: Wayne Rooney threw his boots down in fury when he was pulled off for a Fit & Healthy striker just after the hour mark, and appeared to share a few choice words with vitriolic home fans who had to be restrained by stewards. It probably won’t go down as a classic, but Paul Scholes did enough to secure an important away victory.
Spoiler bonus: Cristiano Ronaldo was firing on all cylinders in Zurich, bagging a confidence-boosting brace of free kicks. Check it out after the jump…
With a contract at one of the biggest football clubs in the world and a girlfriend who has won the Dutch FHM Sexiest Woman in the World award twice, it’s no exaggeration to say Wesley Sneijder is the greatest man alive.
His unpronounceable ladyfriend Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen not only has fabulous good looks and eight sisters (!), but she is also willing to commit some extremely sexy/bizarre acts to film. Look here! She’s licking cream off of a friend’s bottom in a car park! Look above! She’s kissing a lady! And look below! She’s helping old people cross the street in her underwear for absolutely no reason!
Plenty more NSFW-ish Yolanthe videos after the jump…
Burnley 1/ Manchester Utd 0 (mit Deutsch Kommentar, ja!)
When The Spoiler went to bed last night, Burnley had beaten reigning champions Manchester Utd for the first time in 41 years, Tottenham were top of the league and all three promoted sides had won their midweek games. We woke up this morning and discovered we hadn’t transported to some sort of football parallel universe, but that the Premier League is already shaping up as one of the most exciting in years.
Muchos congrats to Burnley, who thoroughly deserved three points in their first Premier League match. Will this result cause Sir Alex to dip into the transfer market?
Spoiler bonus: Highlights of all the other Premiership games after the jump, including Jermain Defoe’s hat-trick at the KC and Birmingham’s win over doomed Pompey…
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