Simone Lambe and Petra Frings told to stay at home

Last week, we revealed that Croatia is a Pro-WAG nation - players have been banned from seeing friends at their Euro 2008 camp, but have been permitted as many conjugal visits as they please. As a result, they’ve pulled off a perfect record, including a shock victory over the Germans.

Despite this shining example of WAGs working in perfect harmony with a national side, Michael Ballack has declared war on his nations supporting ladies, insisting they are the reason behind Germany’s shaky start:

Skipper Michael Ballack is furious that his team-mates have been seeing too much of their wives and girlfriends.

Ballack and his senior sidekick Torsten Frings were still fuming that the rest of the squad spent the day after their defeat against Croatia last week - which left their quarter-final place

Poland haven’t forgotten about that thing you did, Germany

One of the more interesting games this weekend is likely to be Sunday’s Group B clash between Poland and Germany, thanks in part to the media storm whipped up by brilliant-sounding Polish newspaper Super Express.

In an antagonistic article published this week, Poland gaffer Leo Beenhakker was instructed to “bring us their heads” by the national publication. To bring the aggressive point home, they pictured the manager clasping the bloodied heads of Michael Ballack and Joachim Loew. After the coach branded the feature “sick”, UEFA limply responded in the manner of a teacher who sees two kids fighting but carries on sitting in his chair because he can’t be bothered to go and break it up (thanks a lot, Mr Mills):

“We are

Hey, we love Hollywood… but that’s about it

Let’s not mince our words - some things about America are brilliant. They’ve given us cheeseburgers (pictured), The Wire, James Brown, sex scandals, trainers, plastic surgery, meat on a stick, wise cracking children, cheerleaders and war. But, that’s no excuse to ever let them host a football World Cup again. Here’s a list of reasons why that would be a rubbish idea:

1. They HATE football

Rather arrogantly, they play the baseball “World Series” every year, ignoring the fact that the rest of the world prefers a slower version called rounders (great for a flirtatious summer picnic, by the way). But basketball is their number one - essentially giants playing catch. Also high on their radar is American Football, golf, athletics, and gentlemen wrestling in leotards. Real football barely even computes.