Hide your faces in shame…

Ug, is there anything worse than having all of your dreams shattered? The short answer is, of course, no, no there isn’t. Yet every year we get all excited and start hailing new saviours for the England football team, here to finally banish a million years of pain. Players like Barnes, Collymore, Gareth Barry, Walcott.

These men came to us like mighty footballing Christs, then gave us nothing but salty tears.

Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Here’s the worst of the bunch…

GK Chris Kirkland
When Kirkland joined Liverpool in 2001, people went mental, insisting that he was the future England keeper, and would be for hundreds of years to come. Then he kept getting injured, and now Capello has more faith in David James, an 86-year-old gentleman who Liverpool fans once derided for being totally rubbish.

DL Wayne Bridge
What a breath of fresh air Bridge was when he was careering up and down the flanks at Southampton. Some even suggested that he might be better than that hateful little toad, Ashley Cole. Unfortunately, even Wayne Bridge wasn’t buying that one, and he now spends his days earning money for doing nothing, which makes him a total loser/genius.

The pros who place wages above loyalty and professional conduct

At a time when the business around the world are universally tightening their belt buckles amid fears of an imminent recession, there remains a breed of character in the beautiful game who believe they are owed a living, and clubs should feel blessed to pay them top dollar for their services.

In no particular order, here’s ten people in football who are more concerned about putting another Maserati on the driveway than advancing the prospects of their club…

Emanuel Adebayor
It’s possible that Adebayor feels unappreciated by Arsenal fans, who prefer to whine about his misses against Liverpool and Man United rather than his 30 goals. Yet the way he pledged to stay at Arsenal, only to U-turn hours later was bold behaviour for a player who has given his club to just one great season and no trophies.

Frank Lampard
Princess Frank is always eager to show his love for Chelsea by kissing his badge at every opportunity, but it seems there are limits to his affection. Despite turning 30 recently, Lampard believes that a four-year deal at £140,000-a-week is unreasonable; only a five-year £150,000-a-week deal will suffice. Otherwise, he will be kissing Inter Milan’s badge/ Jose’s lips in the very near future.

Cristiano Ronaldo
Despite signing a five-year deal for £120,000-a-week, making him United’s highest-paid player ever, just over a year ago, Ronaldo believes it would be akin to slave labour to keep him there any longer. Rumours he would be offered a stupendous £200,000-a-week and the chance to sit on Sepp Blatter’s knee have clearly influenced him.

Robinho
The poor Brazilian

None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

The preferred lady of England’s other Wayne

You may remember French model and actress Vanessa Perroncel from World Cup 2006, where she formed part of a band of England WAGs who managed to collectively blow £1million on frivolous crap during a brief spell in Baden Baden. Most of that money probably went towards maintaining Alex Curran’s dazzling orange hue, but as the main squeeze of occasional Chelsea left-back Wayne Bridge, Vanessa could certainly afford to treat herself.

Today’s transfer rumours, written down one after the other

One of the more surprising transfer rumours to surface during this year’s European Championships doesn’t involve a journalist-hating Barcelona star or a strange looking Frenchman, but rather a member of the BBC’s intrepid pundit squad. If the loud whispers are to be believed, Blackburn are planning to choose Alan Shearer over, well, a manager with a shred of experience and tactical nous. Hey, remember that season where he scored all those goals? Yeah! Whoo! Goals! Sign him up…

Alan Shearer to Blackburn
Shearer’s emergence as favourite for the Blackburn job is bringing delight to millions across the country - could he finally vacate his Match of the Day seat to the vastly superior Lee Dixon?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Shearer is waiting for them to call, rather than actually applying for the job. With this approach, he could be waiting a while.

Samuel Eto’o to Chelsea
Whoever is in charge at the Bridge has identified everyone’s favourite journalist-headbutting striker as the ideal replacement for Didier Drogba, the striker everyone wants to headbutt. Mourinho and Inter could stand in the way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: More likely than a move to Spurs

Franck Ribery to Chelsea
The one-time Arsenal target is said to be another at the top of Chelsea’s wish list, and it’s unlikely the £31 million price tag Bayern have slapped on will scare them off.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would Chelsea dare break their ‘one flair player’ quota?

Patrick Vieira to Portsmouth
Harry Redknapp is optimistic that Vieira would

All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

All of today’s rumours in one easy-to-use list thing

Well that’s it, the football seasons have ended throughout Europe… sorry, hang on, what’s that Scotland? Yours hasn’t finished? Hmmm, is it going to be Rangers or Celtic? Well, there’s a shock. Some might argue that your football season never really starts or ends. But enough of this zany metaphysical talk, what’s been going on in Transfer Land?

Frank Lampard to Inter Milan
Whenever it sounds like Jose Mourinho is close to picking up his sheriffs badge and polishing his six shooter, ready to rejoin the world of the employed, everyone starts frothing at the mouth and insisting that, well, that’s it, Lampard and Drogba will definitely be going to Italy after all. He’s not their dad, you know.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Simple maths? Probably not, Columbo.

Mario Gomez to Newcastle
There is talk of Germany’s new star joining the pantheon of greats, like Jon-Dahl Tomasson, Albert Luque, Alan Smith, Warren Barton… the list is very long.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: One word Mario: don’t do it!