Natalie Rooney wants the world to see her boobs once again

Remember the girl who flashed her breasts to the press at Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st birthday party? It is still unclear which finishing school she attended, but her name is Natalie Rooney, she is Wayne’s cousin and she’s now planning to launch a career in glamour modelling.

The subtle eighteen year old, who has been banned from the Rooney wedding because Coleen ‘thinks she is a chav’, has made the shrewd decision to divert attention away from her mouth by increasing her bust size to a 34F. Yet no amount of surgical enhancement could stop her dropping the following nuggets of wisdom

The Croxteth Massive are heading to France

This coming June, the English were supposed to be building up false expectations and placing an unbearable amount of pressure on the national side in the European Championships. Yet thanks to a few on-pitch slip-ups and the unbridling power of apathy, the most excitement we will be getting is hearing about the champagne-fuelled brawling at Wayne Rooney’s nuptials.

The big day will take place in the South of France and will cost Wayne and Coleen £3m. Worried that this expense might delay the construction of another wing on their grotesque mansion? You shouldn’t be - they’ve already sold the picture rights