Company coughs up obscene amount to watch Wayne eat cake

For those of you who rarely risk venturing beyond the back pages of your preferred newspaper, you may have missed this week’s jaw-dropping news that “a media organisation” has offered Wayne Rooney and his fragrant fiancee Coleen a lottery-sized cheque to take snaps of their wedding day.

Wayne and his beloved have set the price of recording the moment at which they become joined for all eternity in the eyes of God, plus shots of their celebrity friends eating sausage rolls, dancing to Phil Collins and looking the worse for drink, at the astronomical figure of £2.5 million.

As is fashionable in such society betrothals, some of the fee is “ploughed back” into making the occasion as flashy as is humanly possible, so for that kind of money, expect the bride to arrive on an artificial Nile of milk, while the groom’s open-topped solid-titanium love chariot will be pulled by bears and gorillas which will then be slaughtered for the banquet. Martial arts experts will be laid on for those who like to end the feasting with a good scrap.

The ceremony is expected to take place in June, right around the time when England will not be appearing in the European Championships. In case you were wondering, you have not been invited.