Also appearing on a computer near you…

What the Premier League would look like if refs got all the key decisions right
[rightresult.net]

A Ronaldo volley breaks a fan’s arm
[Machochip]

Video: When injured fans jump off stretchers to punch photographers
[Pies]

If you mock the sex life of a female referee, bad things will happen
[The Offside]

Wenger, Adebayor, Fabregas and van Persie go for Double Orange Mocha Frappuccinos
[Link]

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Gael Clichy: ‘Our failure is ridiculous’
[Football365]

The ten best and worst football club names, including Bermuda’s ‘Hamilton Parish Hot Peppers’
[Seattle Offside]

Sniffing the Touchline’s WAG Round-up, including Chanelle Hayes‘ dire assault on the pop charts
[Sniffing the Touchline]

Benitez and Wenger caption competition
[Pies]

Totally random: Trailer for Ben Stiller’s new film Tropic Thunder. Looks goooood.
[Film Drunk]

Champions League quarter-final second leg, ITV1, 7.45pm, bet here

This week’s top prize for loony marketing initiatives goes to the organisers of the Olympic Games, for parading the Olympic torch behind a phalanx of a dozen shell-suited Chinese goons, countless local police (some on roller skates) and who knows how many plain clothes spotters with a keen eye for a trouble maker. Play with fire, and you get burnt. Play with symbols, however, and you get your head kicked in, and not very symbolically. What a confusing advert for an international athletics jamboree. While these weirdos march up and down with their “sacred flame”, however, Arsenal and Liverpool have a very real issue to settle. The Champions League feels like the kind of organisation that would quite like a sacred flame of its own, but fortunately matches such as tonight’s provide enough old-fashioned winner-goes-through, loser-goes-home drama that no amount of roller-skating cops could add to the sense of occasion. Some people will be happy, others will be sad, and the tears will be genuine. Watch and learn, Olympics - keep it simple, and ditch the stupid symbols.

The statistics

* Arsenal have not won away at any of the Big Four this season, while Liverpool haven’t beaten a Big Four side at all.

Did you do what we told you to at the weekend?

While Kevin Keegan failed to uphold his excellent record with new teams (he has never lost a match with a newly-managed side, and has always scored), plenty of the weekend’s Premier League action went according to our statistics.

Firstly, we told you Birmingham’s January blues would continue:

» chickendinner superfact: Birmingham are yet to win a game in January, and they picked up