Hang on, who’s that little guy with the scar?

Bayern Munich general manager Uli Hoeneß has today told Bild that he would sell Franck Ribery to Real Madrid only if an offer of €100m was made.

We’re not ones to start conspiracy theories, but it is possible that the Germans have already done a deal with the La Liga side, replacing him with a tiny replica in the hope that no one would notice?

Beauty queen strikes up a partnership with Bolivian star

When they’re not smashing up the opposition on their crazy high altitude pitches, Bolivia’s football stars appear to enjoy romancing women who wear bikinis for a living.

Nowhere is this more clear than in the case of striker Marcelo Moreno, who has been linked to Miss Bolivia 2007 Jessica Jordan in the South American press. The on-loan Werder Bremen hitman, however, insists he is just friends with the 24-year-old beauty queen. Whatevs, Marcelo. 

Ach Mein Gott! Zis party rocks, ja!

After finishing in ninth place in the Bundesliga, Bayer Leverkusen fell short of their target of reaching the prestigious Europa League by some way. Furthermore, the mid-table side compounded their league failure on Saturday, by losing the DFB-Pokal final (the German equivalent of the FA Cup final where the winner receives an Aztec Pimp Cup) to Bundesliga champions VfL Wolfsburg [that’ll be fellow mid-tablers Werder Bremen, actually - Ed.].

So, how did Leverksuen deal with their disappointing season? They threw a gigantic party, of course!

Straight after the cup final at Berlin’s Olympiastadion, the team boarded a bus headed to the capital’s alte Stadtbad (an old converted public swimming pool), where they joined 650 guests from the world of sport and politics. The lucky attendees stayed late into the night, and dined on a horrendously stereotypical feast of curried sausages and chips with mayonnaise.

Clearly, the person who had the most fun was Sascha Dum, who felt the need to throw the fierce hands-beside-head pose in the photo above.

[Bild]

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Attractive German WAG with unattractive German name

To English speakers, the term ‘Grit’ refers to a thoroughly unsexy coarse-grained siliceous rock, but in Germany, it is used as the shortened version of the English ‘Margaret’. One lucky lady who gooes by this christian name is Grit Freiberg, who is the partner of Werder Bremen goalkeeper Tim Wiese.

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies…

The chap wrestling for the ball with Fenerbahce’s Ed in the picture above is Vítor Hugo Gomes Passos, also known as Pelé He should be filling a Lassana Diarra-shaped hole at Pompey for the rest of the season.

Elsewhere in Transferland…

Diego to Manchester City
Remember last week, when we told you that Werder Bremen striker Diego could be on his way to Manchester City for £25m? The English press have finally caught up with us - well done, Daily Mail.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: The Brazilian is well acquainted with Robinho and Elano, and the price fulfills City’s requirements of paying far too much. Diego is also in trouble for drink driving and strangling another player during a game - let’s hope he gets along with Craig Bellamy…

Carlton Cole to Juventus
According to Sky Sports, The Old Lady may give their old boys Trezeguet and Del Piero some competition up front with the signing of West Ham’s in-form striker. No money is mentioned, but the sum was said to be around £8m when Spurs were chasing him.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: It sounds a little incredulous, but Claudio Ranieri is a huge

Werder Bremen’s Diego could be on his way to Eastlands

Now that Kaka has passed up the opportunity fight for Premier League survival, Manchester City have turned their attention elsewhere in the search for a creative attacking midfielder.

City are said to have strengthened their midfield with Bundesliga star Nigel de Jong today, but according to Bild, they are also hot on the heels of Werder Bremen’s Brazilian sensation Diego.

The 23-year-old is already well acquainted with Robinho, as the pair went through the same youth system together, and went on to form a formidable duo at Santos. Elano also played with them at the Brazilian club.

Some sources are putting a price tag of around £25m on the former Bundesliga player of the year, who is under contract at Werder Bremen until 2011. He is said to have attracted interest from Arsenal, Juventus and Real Madrid.

If he does come to the Premier League, Diego is sure to keep the tabloids entertained: he was recently caught drink driving, and has just served a four match ban for attempting to strangle Karlsruhe defender Christian Eichner.

Spoiler bonus: See a video of Diego in action after the jump…

Would you mess with this guy, even if he didn’t have a sword?

If you thought Joey Barton got up to despicable things outside McDonalds, then you’d be right. Pulling in at a close second, however, is former Schalke and Werder Bremen beefcake Thorsten Legat, who is in hot water for brandishing a samurai sword outside his local Maccy Ds.

Allegedly, the former Bundesliga Championship winner was in his car with his wife when he was threatened by a group of youths. One thing lead to another, and Legat took his trusty sword from his boot (as you do), and in the ensuing scuffle somehow injured the head of one of the troublemakers (presumably he didn’t cut it off).

The incident actually occurred last year, but the court case had been ongoing until yesterday, when Legat was forced to pay 1,000 Euros for his attempted assault.

Spoiler bonus: During his 243-game career, Legat was known for his bizarre statements to the press. Our favourite:

“Our chances are 70:50″

[Bild]