Man United 3-0 West Ham

For those of you far to entrenched in old episodes of Location Location Location Location Location Location etc… to realise that there was a relatively important football match going on, above are the highlights from last night’s game. United closed the gap at the top, and Michael Owen enjoyed a couple of minutes away from the Wayne Rooney shadow.

(Courtesy of 101 Great Goals)

Kieron Dyer - the opposite of “a bargain” 

The journalistic landscape is a vast one. Right this second, in snazzy areas of London, hardened tabloid hacks will be posing as bin men in order to rifle through celebrity rubbish. Higher brow scribes will be loitering around Parliament, ears flapping, dictaphones strapped to their stomachs. And somewhere in the Zoo/Nuts axis of sophistication, a trendy young journalist with deliberately messy hair will be pitching a feature called “Tit for Tatt”, in which girls on the street expose their breasts in return for a free tattoo. Most probably positioned on the small of their back.

And yet, The Spoiler is concerned with none of the above. Instead, we choose to follow the hard working sports journalists - from the likes of The Daily Mail, The Telegraph, The Guardian etc… - who have just today reported the following:

Onuoha - “Hello West Ham!”

If this transfer window were a film, it would be a rubbish film that promised so much, dragged on for ages, but then delivered hardly anything at all - and barring any sudden Usual Suspects/Sixth Sense style twists right at the very end, it’s one that Guy Ritchie would be very proud of.

As things stand, the biggest business of the day appears to be going on between Man City and Middlesbrough, as they finish hammering out a deal that would take Adam Johnson to Eastlands.

Elsewhere, people have been overheard muttering the words “David”, “Sunderland” and “James” in the same sentence, and West Ham - the real movers and shakers so far - have signed Mido, and shifted focus from attack to defence, with a reported bid for Man City’s Nedum Onuoha. Loud whispers say that it’s a loan, and a done deal.

UPDATE: And with the chimes of Big Ben, the window has now slammed shut. Look out for all of the INS and OUTS from the past month on the site tomorrow. One late OUT could find Robbie Keane heading off to Celtic, with Scottish deals allowed to go on into the night.

Old McDonald… didn’t have a work permit… ee i ee i… oh!

Like a house of cards crafted by a tremoring alcoholic during a hurricane, today’s big transfer deals keep collapsing within nanoseconds of first appearing.

Hull will be keeping hold of Stephen Hunt, thank you very much Wolves. Scott Loach will not be heading from Watford to Spurs. And McDonald Mariga was so close to signing for Man City, until a nerdy gentleman - probably wearing glasses - coughed and muttered something about work permits. No luck there.

In business that has actually happened, Nicky Shorey is going on loan to Fulham until the end of the season. Benni McCarthy is definitely joining West Ham. And Mido might be next.

Much more to come… hopefully.  

Ilan - “Hello West Ham!”

A rather terrifying calm has hit deadline day, in scenes not dissimilar to when city traders wait for the overhead clock arms to hit a certain hour, before erupting in a din of hysterical screaming and shouting, as bits of paper fly around the room like confetti at John Terry’s beautiful Blenheim Palace wedding to his lovely wife, Toni. Only, hopefully, with a slightly less depressing outcome.

Current whispers suggest that Spurs have offered £2million for Watford’s keeper, Scott Loach, on the understanding that he’d be coming in as a back-up keeper. West Ham are on the verge of signing the Brazilian striker Ilan from Saint-Etienne, whilst also keeping an eye on both Robbie Keane, and ex-Chelsea man Mateja Kezman.

Adam Johnson - City bound?

Right, to kick things off there are a few congratulations to get out of the way. Congratulations to Egypt for winning the Africa Cup of Nations. Congratulations to John Terry for managing to paint an even more abhorrent picture of himself than the one that already existed in The Spoiler’s mind, whilst simultaneously reopening the old abortion debate (should you go private etc…?).

And congratulations to Vanessa Perroncel for signing up with Max Clifford - the man who did such a tremendous job of making Rebecca Loos absolutely impossible to dislike.

But, today will be all about transfers. And so far, it looks like the Man City cheque book might yet become tatty and worn in a frenzy of activity, with deals for Real’s Fernando Gago, Parma’s McDonald Mariga, and Middlesbrough’s Adam Johnson still just about alive in the water.

“Goodbye Fernando!”

Like the final few moments of a tense game of cards, the coming days should hopefully find the straight-faced transfer window stand off morphing into a hysterical scramble to get as much out of the situation as possible.

There will surely be tears, high pitched screaming, and - fingers crossed - the sight of grown men frantically throwing coins, car keys, and erotic photographs of their wives at footballers, as they shout empty promises about how good the weather is in the north. Here’s some of today’s transfer news - thanks to the like of The Guardian, The Daily Mail, The Telegraph, and others…

Hmmmm… decisions, decisions

As the transfer window continues to pay a curious homage to the year 2005, it looks like Spurs may yet swoop in and land Eidur Gudjohnsen - once quite good at Chelsea, then a bit limp at Barcelona, now without a goal for Monaco.

West Ham had been leading the race for the retro centre forward - who no doubt charges “vintage” second hand prices now - and he was expected to undergo some kind of medical prodding and squeezing this afternoon, but a rumour rising from today’s Daily Mail suggests that he might just plump for Tottenham Hotspur instead.