The Spoiler

Get your very own West Ham dress (as seen on Katy Perry)


Hammers fans can now look just like this!*

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Heeding our call to put Katy Perry’s recent appearance in a West Ham-themed basque to good use, the Hammers board have responded to “huge demand” by announcing plans to sell the outfit in their club shop, at £300 a time:

[Siobhan Dillon, creator of the original version] is set to produce a limited range for West Ham United fans. An initial run of 50 will be made and sold through the club stores. They will cost £300 each and will be available by pre-order only. Size and payment will need to be confirmed in advance.

At that bargain price, we’re sure they’ll fly off the shelves.

* Although not very many will.

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Posted: November 18th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Horse placenta is ‘in’, West Ham get another lovely fan and puddles make good defenders


Also appearing on a computer near you…

Notts County’s puddles prove to be more effective at stopping goals than Sol Campbell

Horse placenta is the new Deep Heat
[Daily Mail]

Five Gunners stars who should tie their belongings in a red and white polka-dot handkerchief, put it on the end of a stick, and hit the road
[Caught Offside]

West Ham’s female fanbase gets better and better
[The Sun]

Although incredibly irritating, vuvuzelas are clearly a big part of African football culture right now. This is South Africa’s World Cup. Just STFU and get on with it, Japan/Alonso. We’re not in the NFL.
[Guardian]

Hooligans force player to switch clubs
[Dirty Tackle]

Lampsie has two attractive women fighting for his attention
[Daily Star]

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Posted: November 18th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

David Sullivan offers £0 for 50% stake of West Ham


Former Brum chairman says he can turn the club around…

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Bongo baron David Sullivan has announced he’ll ’save’ West Ham from financial doom, but only if the club’s Icelandic owners hand him over half the club. For free. According to this morning’s Sun, Cardiff-born Sullivan, apparently a Hammers fan from boyhood, told bosses at Straumur he’ll inject £40m and turn the club back into a profitable business, but won’t touch any debt repayments:

West Ham’s debts are frightening and nobody in their right mind would take on such a nightmare. So he’s come up with an ingenious plan.

He basically told Straumur: ‘I’ll turn this club round, I’ll make it profitable and healthy but only if you give me a 50 per cent stake right now and leave me to run the ship with my people.

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Posted: November 18th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Mexico’s ’80s inspired kit, Tevez is an ideal housewife, and the Blues Brothers


Also appearing on a computer near you…

Well in.

Luke Young retires from international football
[BBC Football]

I think a “LOL” is in order here. Is that Adrian from Rocky?
[Pies]

After the Rafa/Phil Brown/Jedward mashup of a few days ago, Fleet Street’s Photoshop goons are excelling themselves
[The Sun]

Carlton Cole - Liverpool’s unlikely hero?
[Caught Offside]

Mexico’s new kit takes inspiration from the shittest fashion trend in a long while
[ONTD]

Behind the scenes at WC2010
[Daily Mail]

Schumacher’s 1994 Benetton car? Yours for £2m
[Telegraph]

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Posted: November 11th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Is Dean Ashton about to announce his retirement?


West Ham striker’s career finally succumbs to ankle injury…

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Could Dean Ashton be joining Eric Cantona, apocalyptist goalkeeper Carlos Roa, and, to a lesser extent, Dean Richards, amongst the ranks of footballing heroes whose careers were prematurely cut short? Today’s papers are buzzing with news the West Ham striker is close to quitting the beautiful game, after being ruled out for over a year with a persistent ankle injury. Ashton has only featured in four matches in the past 18 months, altogether making just 42 appearances in four years at Upton Park:

West Ham will be making an insurance claim, believed to be about £7 million, for the loss of Ashton. However, any claim by the club against the FA could become complex, with Ashton having appeared to recover from the initial injury

He was injured in a collision with Shaun Wright-Phillips, the Manchester City winger who was playing for Chelsea at the time. Ashton could consider making an insurance claim against the FA and/or Wright-Phillips.

West Ham sources have confirmed that, despite no definitive decision having been made yet, it doesn’t look good for the 25-year-old.

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Posted: November 10th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Gianfranco Zola takes drastic steps to stop Nigel Quashie relegating West Ham


Relegation-baiting midfielder told to stay away

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Like heavy rocks in a bin-liner full of kittens, the dead weight of West Ham midfielder Nigel Quashie’s astounding mediocrity has dragged four of his five previous clubs into the relegation mire in the past 14 years.

With the Hammers currently languishing 19th in the Premier League, boss Gianfranco Zola seems to have finally caught wind of Quashie’s club-damning reputation and is now on a mission to keep the midfielder away from Upton Park at all costs.

According to reports in the News of the World, having already been packed off to Poland, Nigel has now been told to stay away from training completely, being offered the tasty incentive of seeing out his £20,000 p/w contract by sitting at home watching The Wright Stuff:

“The midfielder approached the Hammers last week about a pay-off, after manager Gianfranco Zola ignored his claims for a recall.

Instead Quashie, forced to travel to Poland last week with the reserves, was told he no longer has to report for training.

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Posted: November 9th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Katy Perry makes watching West Ham games worthwhile


She’ll be at West Ham/Everton on Sunday, get it moving

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Being a game sort of girl, big-chested faux-lesbian Katy Perry rocked up to last night’s MTV Europe Video Awards in this claret and blue ensemble, after a dare from her Hammers supporting boyfriend Russell Brand:

Wow. Now MY GIRLFRIEND has worn a West Ham basque while hosting the EMA’s. What a day! I might revive Gandhi and ask if he wants to be mates.

Yes I will be taking her to a game – West Ham Vs Everton. And, before it begins, no I won’t be taking her up the Arsenal. x

Hopefully this will give the West Ham board a bit of inspiration for their next replica shirt advertising campaign, after this summer’s nightmare-inducing Ray Winstone effort.

[spotted on Dirty Tackle]

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Posted: November 6th, 2009 by Richard Gilzene

Robert Earnshaw joins the nation in laughing at Arsenal


Twitter news

Crumbling Cockneys

As West Ham’s equaliser hit the old onion bag yesterday evening, the great Robert Earnshaw told the nation:

“A large portion of apple CRUMBLE for arsenal.”

Incidentally, Robert Earnshaw is the answer to one of football’s most notorious quiz questions. If you think you know what it is, let us know below…

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Posted: October 26th, 2009 by Eliot Pollak