None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

Today’s transfer gossip, rumours and damn lies

Last night, Avram Grant revealed on Israeli TV last night that Chelsea are after Yuri Zhirkov, rather than current soup du jour Andrei Arshavin. Quite how the Toad would be privy to this information and be in a position to reveal it on television is beyond us, but it would be highly titillating to hear Londoners shouting “Jerkoff!” in unison next season…

The Cristiano Ronaldo saga latest
A shocking development today, as The Sun have actually given Spain’s victory prominence and kept Ronaldo off their back page. Fear not though, he’s still on the front. Nothing has changed: Queiroz admitted contracts mean nothing in football and Real Madrid are waiting for Man United to do something.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: This story still has months to run

Ronaldinho to reject Manchester City
Nobody will be too shocked to hear that Ronaldinho isn’t quite so keen to move to Manchester after all, though what is slightly surprising is that the Brazilian has reportedly set his heart on staying at the Nou Camp.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Guardiola may want

Just when you thought it was safe to go into Israel

Women of Tel Aviv, is this the face of your 2008 holiday romance? Or might you get particularly drunk and make a big big mistake?

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

Today’s transfer rumours, some more ridiculous than others

Despite possessing a questionable state of mental health, a low quality tabloid has linked the man who drunkenly gave me a tenner on my tenth birthday (true story) with a managerial job in the Philippines. Frankly, there’s a better chance of Jermain Defoe declaring a vow of abstinence, but the rest of today’s rumours have a little more substance…

Paul Gascoigne to the Phillippines
The seldom-reliable Daily Star claim that The Phillippines want to ‘rescue’ Gazza by making him the manager of their national team. There must be logic in that idea somewhere but we’re not going to bother guessing what it is.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ludicrous idea if true

David Bentley to Everton
Bentley’s bold transfer request might not have panned out as he intended it to. It’s not Liverpool and Chelsea throwing pound notes at him to seduce him, it’s Aston Villa and Everton.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We still expect Chelsea to make a move

Ronaldinho to LA Galaxy
Forget about Barcelona, forget about Chelsea, hell, even forget about Manchester City. Despite only being 28, Ronaldinho

Awww, don’t cry Tottenham fans, we didn’t mean it (we did)

Something about the way Alex on The Apprentice started weeping and pointing at other people the minute anyone dared question his business acumen, even just slightly, suggests that he will one day make an absolutely tremendous football manager. He’s got it all - the quivering lip, the total lack of humility, everything!

Which got The Spoiler to thinking. Alex is a sensitive soul - some would say a pillock - but who else is sensitive? And, more specifically, what sets of football fans are the most fragile and Alex-like? The answer was, of course, simple: Spurs fans.
Go anywhere in the world, and you’ll find a delicate Tottenham supporter launching into an angry rage about Berbatov and why people should leave him alone (most of the time completely unnecessarily), or aggressively lampooning Sol Campbell, totally unaware that even Sol - the planet’s most fragile and nervous centre back - has put the whole nasty business behind him already. And God forbid anyone ever say the Arse word.

But, before Spurs fans start hysterically blubbing and screaming about how unfair that just sounded, stop - take a breath, wipe the drool from your tie and put the chair down. You’re not alone. Also registering high on the hurty-feelings scale are Newcastle’s finest/fattest - still convinced that Kevin Keegan is Jesus Christ, and it’s 1996 all over again - Man City fans (don’t

Farfán and Eto’o snub North Londoners

Spurs could be starting the season with an inferiority complex, as Peruvian Jefferson Farfán has become the latest player to shun a move to White Hart Lane. The striker confirmed that he received an offer from Tottenham, but yesterday chose to leave PSV for Schalke instead.

This news comes on top of a recent failure to lure Ronaldinho (and let’s be honest, Spurs fans should hope it stays that way) and Samuel Eto’o’s comments dismissing the club: “Tottenham, and I hope the English fans will forgive me, are a club in mid-table and I need more,” the Barcelona man told CRTV.

The rumour vine tells us that Anton Ferdinand is having a medical at Spurs today - but will he sign on the dotted line or continue the Ramos snubbing?

UPDATE: Arsenal’s new signing Carlos Vela is now getting involved in the art of Spurs fan goading. On the arrival of fellow countryman Giovani Dos Santos at White hart Lane, he said:

“I hope things go well for him at Tottenham, that he gets the minutes he wasn’t given at Barcelona and that he shows what he can do.

“He is a very good player and let’s hope he can then move on to a better team.”

Have at it, folks.

Trading in gossip and rumour is fun, kids

An international tournament is very nearly upon us which can only mean one thing: it’s time for Cristiano Ronaldo to piss off England. At the 2006 World Cup, the C-Ron Likeability-ometer took a Big Brother villain-esque plunge following his winking tactics, and after his recent disloyal comments and impending departure, the tricky winger’s popularity will experience a similar fall. Despite the inflated importance of the C-Ron debate, the rumour mills have been turning elsewhere…

James Milner to Liverpool
Really? Until recently it didn’t look like Rafa Benitez had even heard of English players let alone ones nowhere near getting into the national team.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We can just about believe Barry, but not Milner

Frank Rijkaard or Roberto Mancini to Chelsea
The Blues have decided that it might be a good idea to interview the only two guys that haven’t said no to the Chelsea job before they decide Blackburn might be a better option.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Definitely two of the frontrunners. Maybe.

Joe Lewis to Everton
It’s amazing what being part of the England squad can do to your valuation. Apparently Peterborough’s goalkeeper wasn’t just brought along for a laugh and is actually worth three million.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Have Everton even got three million?

Eidur Gudjohnsen to Newcastle or West Ham
Another transfer window opens and again Barcelona

Ljungberg lets it all out, finally

Well, we’ve all been waiting for this day. It’s taken a while to come out, but Freddie Ljungberg has finally broken down in tears and lifted the lid on how horrible it was playing for Arsenal, and how Arsene Wenger was really mean to him, and how it sometimes makes him so sad to think of poor Thierry Henry - out there in Barcelona, orphaned and crying himself to sleep on the cold streets. Alone. In danger.

One in Seven fans won’t be renewing their season tickets

We’re all a bit hard pressed these days - each time we turn the ignition keys we face spending the equivalent of the GDP of a small African nation, and a loaf of bread now costs the same as a two bed semi in Bradford. While the Premier League’s finest are rubbing our noses in it by spending like it’s going out of fashion, it appears that the clubs themselves are about to become the latest victims of the nationwide belt tightening. According to Scott Mowbray of Virgin Money, nearly one in seven fans are refusing to renew their season tickets this year.

The worst affected club are West Ham, as 25 per cent of their faithful will now spend Saturday afternoons standing around in Jane Norman at Lakeside while the missus tries on dresses she won’t buy. This defection may be due to the fact that certain factions of Hammers fans are dissatisfied with Curbs and his boring brand of football, or it could be that the average ticket price is around £780