Chelsea gaffer the latest to jump on the Man Utd bias bandwagon
In a bid to introduce his own brand of Fergie-style mind games, Avram Grant has come out claiming ref Steve Bennett helped Manchester Utd win the Premier League title. It’s true that Scholes’ terrible tackle was overlooked and Rio’s handball went unseen at the JJB, but can The Toad honestly claim they were these conscious decisions on Bennett’s part? Are the men in black really in bed with United? Let us know what you think with votes and comments below, please.
Tuesday’s Daily Mail ran with some intriguing facts and myths about the brain - not the big issues, such as why their readers have such difficulty with the concept of people from Africa and Eastern Europe or the residents of council estates - but “fun” facts, such as “Exercise helps keep your brain fit.” Were this true, Premier League footballers would be amongst the nation’s most mentally agile, yet any post-match interview culled at random from the thousands performed each season would demonstrate that this is patently not so. However, as the season reaches its dramatic climax - one chair, two arses, music stops Sunday - mental toughness has become the key theme of pre-game chatter. Chelsea have “the momentum”, whereas United have to go and play in a potato field at Wigan. John Terry says Chelsea have “a steely determination”, whereas the Guardian believes Alex Ferguson will be “frowning”. The fact that at this late stage Chelsea are still pressed up against United like a sex-pest commuter must be driving the reds mad with irritation.
Using this logic and a shed load of statistics, the boys at chickendinner believe Chelsea will crush Bolton, and take the league title too. Disagree? Then back United here, smart arse.
The statistics
* Manchester United haven’t won any of their last four away games in all competitions.* They have failed to win their final away game
When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:
Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.
Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.
Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!
Wigan boss makes sure playing surface suits the Red Devils’ needs
When Arsenal visited the ploughed field known better known as the JJB Stadium back in March, Arsene Wenger furiously declared that the poor playing surface was ‘disrespectful to paying fans’. To avoid a similar conflict with Alex Ferguson, Wigan have cancelled the Warriors’ Rugby League match that was supposed to precede the final game of the season:
“The last thing we want is a worldwide TV audience with the pitch having suffered from heavy rain, and Wigan rugby league club having played a game on there a couple of days prior to the football match,” said Ian Lenagan, who bought
If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.
The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:
Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.
Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.
Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.
As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:
Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.
Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?
The Manchester Utd masterplan relies on another six points
Those who weren’t distracted by female steward kickings and groundsmen brawls on Saturday may have noticed that Sir Alex left Tevez and Ronaldo out of the starting line up, and played the cautious negative play that we were all treated to at the Nou Camp. It’s fair to rest some players for the Champions League games, but Fergie’s nonchalance at this stage of the title race could prove very costly.
So, were his cocky tactics a wise decision in light of United’s run in, or will it prove to be his undoing when West Ham or Wigan spoil the party?
The race to be anonymous in the Championship next year is heating up
Now that the Championship has morphed into toddler football matches where twenty-two hyperactive maniacs thunder around a field chasing the ball, teams would be wise to stick to the Premier League. Already Derby will be practicing their head-down running techniques, and Fulham should probably start swotting up on moping around in the centre circle crying for mummy. The rest, however, might still be allowed to play football next season.
The statistics
* In the last seven seasons, ten teams have conceded sixty-five or more goals in a season and each one has been relegated. This season Derby have let in seventy-six, Reading have now let in sixty-five.
* Nobody higher than 17th in the league at this stage of the season have gone on to be relegated in the last ten years, which
Once again, our well-trained internet ferret has been thrashing around in cyberspace collating information. Today, the big transfer rumbles sound like this:
Gennaro Gattuso to Tottenham
An Italian newspaper has reported that Gattuso may wish to leave AC Milan in the summer and that Manchester United and Tottenham are leading an £8 million charge for the fiery little midfielder. Being that he talks like a Scot, this could be Sir Alex’s for the nabbing, but the whisper is that Spurs are leading the way.
Zoltan Gera to Wigan
West Brom’s Hungarian playmaker has AGAIN been linked with a move to the JJB, but Wigan’s fans are bored to death of that one – it’s so 2005.
