Disappointing striker is finding life tough in Blighty

Poor old Roman Pavlyuchenko. Not only does he have to put up with the fact that he’s a bit rubbish, but he also hates the country he was forced to come and work in. This morning’s Sun quotes the Russian striker:

“I don’t like English dishes. At the Spurs training ground, the food is modest. All they have there is a simple canteen.

“At the Spartak training camp, near Moscow, the choice and quality is better.

“But since my wife Larisa joined me in London it’s not a problem for me any more.

“She is a good cook and now I eat at home. I’m back to my favourite borsch and vareniki.”

Those unacquainted with Russian cuisine will be delighted to hear that “borsch and vareniki” is beetroot soup with sour cream, accompanied by dumplings stuffed with sauerkraut and cottage cheese. Not only does this sound disgusting, but the dieticians at Tottenham would despair

Who will rescue Arsenal star from 1950s time warp?

We all know that Russia is a modern oasis of culture, where misogyny, racism and drunken political violence are a thing of the past.* Despite this, some of its citizens do not hold particularly enlightened views on the world. In his bizarrely-titled book 555 Questions And Answers On Women, Money, Politics, Football, Andrei Arshavin states that women should not have driving licences:

“If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice.”

“In my opinion a woman and a man are two absolutely different creatures.”

Female football fans will also be delighted to hear that Arshavin thinks you should leave the cancer sticks alone. ”I dislike women who smoke - and lies,” he said in December. Well put, comrade.

Here’s some more Andrei/ Andrey/ Andriy facts that we learn from this morning’s Sun newspaper:

• He was once hit by a car on the way to training, which sent him “ten metres into the air”. [Ten metres? How fast was the car going and how the hell did he survive?]
• Arsahvin is obsessed with Football Manager, and likes to play it with English lower division sides.
• He is afraid of the dark.
• He is also afraid of water - not because of how deep it is, but “the creatures that are maybe hiding in it”.
• He has a partner named Julia and a son Artyom. They are not married but he refers to her as his wife. Presumably, she doesn’t drive or smoke.
• He has resisted the urge to buy a Range Rover Sport and instead drives a Mercedes GL class.

*Not true

The ladies - they cannot resist this handsome devil

Sampdoria striker Antonio Cassano is known for his short temper and on-pitch hissy fits, yet in his autobiography, the 26-year-old reveals his near-legendary inability to keep his pants on when attractive women are around. Cassano, who once called the irrefutably-gifted Rosaria Cannavò his girlfriend, claims to have put away somewhere in the region of 700 ladies. Our German friends at Bild report:

“I was engaged four times in eleven years, and I experienced some adventures. I slept with between 600 and 700 girls, 20 of whom belong to the world of the show business.”

During his time at Real Madrid - where his constant unprofessional behaviour and displays of “disrespect” towards Fabio Capello saw him sidelined and suspended - Cassano enjoyed some of his best steamrollering years. The Italian says sex before games was frequent, and he could invite whomever he wanted to the team hotel. Once he had had his way with a lady, he claims he would exchange them with a friend who worked at a hotel for “three or four croissants.” He called sex and a meal “the perfect night,” but neglected to mention how football fitted into the equation.

Nowadays, Casanno is settled down with Carolina Marcialis, a 17-year-old water polo player.