Chippenham Town forward sees red after three seconds

David Pratt, an aptly named striker with British Gas Business Premier team Chippenham Town has received the dubious honour of the world’s fastest sending off. His studs-up lunge against a Bashley player on Saturday earned him a red after just three seconds:

“The world record is not a big deal for me, it’s not something that I’m proud of,” Pratt said. “I’m not the sort of player that would deliberately go in to hurt someone. I play with passion and commitment and I saw the ball and just went for the tackle.”

The current record for fastest sending off in a professional league game is thought to be held by Giuseppe Lorenzo, who took just ten seconds to find himself excused when playing for Bologna against Parma in 1990.

Of course, if Cristiano Ronaldo carries on with the kind of ridiculous petulance we have seen in his last few games, this record could be smashed very soon…

He isn’t that fast according to Middle England’s favourite rag

The big news from the Olympics this weekend was that hotly-tipped Tyson Homosexual didn’t even make the 100m final and the appropriately-named Usain Bolt had to slow down in the last 10 metres of the big race through fear that his velocity would rip a hole in the space-time continuum, dooming us all.

The Daily Mail took a break from telling us how The Dark Knight will spark the downfall of civilisation to report on Bolt’s world record 9.69sec time, but they got a little muddled with the numbers. As our hombres at Machochip correctly assert, their headline would put his spectacular achievement outside of Carl Lewis’ 9.92sec record from Barcelona 1992.

Spoiler Bonus: Check out Bolt’s ourageously cocky world record after the jump, provided that the spoilsports at YouTube haven’t taken it down for the billionth time…

Woman runs at man-speed…

Before J-Lo and Li-Lo, there was Flo-Jo - otherwise known as Florence Griffith-Joyner, the fastest woman of all time. A strange and bizarre young thing, she wowed the planet at the 1988 Olympics with her phenomenal fingernails, and superhuman speed. She won the 100 and 200 metres, clocking amazing times in both, and some people find it strange that she retired from Athletics soon after. So cynical, those people - honestly, can a woman not just bulk up to twice her usual size overnight, grow a beard and run at mystifying speeds without you getting all suspicious and yammering about drugs? What a sad world we live in.

She suffered a seizure and died in 1998. RIP, Flo-Jizzle.

Well, you’ll strengthen your wrists at the very least