Least surprising news of the week…

The Daily Mail are claiming Premier League clubs have been leaving the well-being of their multi-million pound stars in the hands of a Serbian housewife who locals describe as ‘looking like Morticia Addams’.

Since her cover was blown by Robin van Persie on Tuesday, Mariana Kovacevic has gone into hiding, leaving the world’s press (and Serbian health officials, who have no record of this horse-guts operation existing) camped outside her clinic in New Belgrade, waiting for her to get back:

Within five minutes of each other Arsenal’s Van Persie left in one direction, while Liverpool pair Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio arrived from the other. By last night it appeared that Kovacevic may have already moved her placenta supplies and massage table elsewhere.

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies…

Robinho and Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona
Barcelona’s sporting director Txiki Beguiristain has revealed the Catalan giants are eyeing Robinho, with a potential January approach on the cards. The Brazilian of course has the advantage of being free to play in the Champions League. Cheeky Txiki also spoke of his desire to bring in Cesc Fabregas, brilliantly declaring that, “he was born suckling upon the teat of the football [we play] here.”

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Robinho would be tempted but how much would it take for moneybags City to agree to the deal? Fabregas could move next summer in what promises to be the most drawn-out transfer saga since Ronaldo and Real Madrid.

Emile Heskey to whoever will take him
Heskey has promised to readdress his current position at Villa as the England

Liverpool/Arsenal, Premier League, 8pm, Sky Sports 1

With Steven Gerrard still out injured, the main point of contention is whether Lucas should keep his place. We’ve decided that Yossi Benayoun is the better option and would also opt for Daniel Agger over Martin Skrtel, who hasn’t impressed us as much recently as he did earlier in the season:

Let us know how you would line Liverpool up for tonight’s game with a comment below.

Liverpool star plays the ball, takes out opposing coach

[The Beautiful Game]

All of today’s transfer gossip, rumours and damn lies

Before Euro 2008, Manchester City and Everton were leading the chase for the fashion student/amazing footballer. Unfortunately he revealed himself to be world class and now looks like making a dream move to Barcelona, who have made a formal approach. His agent claims there have already been five offers for his signature, and the price being bandied around is currently £10m.

The Ronaldo saga latest
He may be acting like a spoilt brat, but Ronaldo is a man of principle. Accordingly, he has kindly agreed to pay Manchester Utd the courtesy of showing up for pre-season training in exchange for his £120,000-a-week wages.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Come on papers, try harder than this to find a story

Peter Crouch to Arsenal
The Daily Mirror have been doing their homework and decided that Arsene Wenger, famous for his cautiousness with money, will match the eight-figure valuation for a benchwarmer at a club they finished above.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Unconvinced

Or…Crouch and Yossi Benayoun to Tottenham
Slightly more convincing than the Arsenal story,

Today’s transfer gossip, as made up by the national press

When he isn’t pissing off Liverpool, growing face art or aggravating wealthy Americans, Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez enjoys nothing more than having kitchenware modelled on the shape of his cranium. The image above is from Wikipedia, so it must be true - much like the following speculation from sports desks around the country:

Yossi Benayoun to Everton
Twelve months ago Benayoun pledged to sign a new deal at West Ham before mysteriously being provoked into a change of heart. It looks like he’s fed up at Anfield now, but is he bored of Merseyside?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Everton call it “fantasy”, we’re not so sure either

James Milner to Liverpool
Aston Villa want Milner, but because they’re not letting Liverpool steal Gareth Barry without a fight, Benitez is pretending he wants Milner to hike his price up. Rafa, you big bully.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could be the next Jermaine Pennant

Emmanuel Adebayor to AC Milan
The Italian press say Adebayor has told Arsenal he wants to leave. Can you blame him? After all he scored 30 goals this season and still failed to win over certain factions of the Gunners faithful.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Believes he’ll stay put

Kaka to Chelsea
Do the maths. Brazilian managers must sign the best Brazilian players, right? Scolari played