Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Chelsea have confirmed making a bid for Brazilian man-o’-sex Robinho (rumoured to be worth £19.7 million) but find themselves frustrated with Real Madrid’s failure to find a replacement, which is currently holding up proceedings. With Cristiano Ronaldo staying put and Wesley Sneijder out injured, this saga could be far from completion.

Kevin Doyle to Sunderland
Things were going great for Doyle. He impressed during his first Premier League season then was even linked with a move to Chelsea. What followed? A run of 21 games without a goal! Fear not though, Roy Keane is ready to offer him a second chance.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sunderland and Doyle could prove a good match

Younes Kaboul to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has already signed

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

The Spoiler never winds down, not even on a Friday. So while you’re probably chugging back your fifth beer of the morning, wondering whether Michael Vaughan can be correctly described as an “athlete”, we’ve been poking our noses into places where men in suits discuss football. Here’s what we sniffed out…

Cristiano Ronaldo update
Reports in Spain are claiming that Real Madrid have signed Dutch winger Rafael van der Vaart, a move that could well put paid to Ronaldo’s hopes of further bolstering his tan under Spain’s magnificent sun. He should probably rethink his proposed talks with Ferguson, in which he plans to reveal, in no uncertain terms, that his future lies with Madrid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Real Madrid have finally given up on Ronaldo.

Mikael Silvestre to Aston Villa
Ferguson has been trying to shake off Silvestre for ages now, and should have few qualms with allowing him to join Villa on loan. Villa are looking for someone to replace the departed Olof Mellberg and the experienced French international certainly fits the bill. The only sticking point could be Silvestre’s £60,000 wage demands.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Silvestre will have to settle for less to secure a deal.

Younes Kaboul to Portsmouth
Having turned down a move to the glorious kingdom of Sunderland, Kaboul is now considering joining happy Harry on the south coast. The lure of European football should be enough to convince the Spurs defender that it will be fun playing in a town where seagulls outnumber people by a thousand to one. Roughly.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The wheeler-dealer to get a new recruit.

It’s like humble pie, but more disgusting…

People of Sunderland, if you need The Spoiler’s help, it’s yours. We can provide tinned fruits, Marmite, or just a shoulder to cry on. What we can’t offer, sadly, is a new roof to replace the one that the recent earthquake tore from your house, with it shattering your dreams and crushing your soul. On the upside, at least that means that less than a week after Younes Kaboul’s agent Rudy Raba boldly stated that his player wouldn’t join Sunderland “even if there was an earthquake”, he has totally eaten his words, and is joining your local club after all. How hilarious - honestly, you just couldn’t make it up.

What do you mean there was no earthquake?

Are you saying that Kaboul lied on more than one level?

Disgusting.

Reasons why footballers shouldn’t speak #874

Don’t let your eyes deceive you, Younes Kaboul is not as intelligent as he looks. The lumbering defender should surely be flattered by any flirtatious glances he’s getting from northern football clubs, especially having spent last season chugging around White Hart Lane as if he was actually avoiding the ball.

Yet, when Sunderland came a-knocking, he doused their flames of interest by claiming he wouldn’t grace their club “even if there was an earthquake”.

Quite what that means is anyones guess, because, as everyone knows, should England be hit by an earthquake, we have all been instructed to go to Wigan.

Come on Hull, at least try to stay up

After giving our two cents on how the five top flight London clubs should spend their cash yesterday, today we look at how the Premier League newcomers should invest their modest budgets in the closed season…

West Brom

Top priority:
Some new defenders - West Brom have got guys capable of scoring goals but at the back they are very leaky. They let in 55 goals last season and the last time the Championship winners conceded that many was way back in 1961. Don’t do what Derby did and sign a load of rubbish defenders though.

Fitting the bill: Calum Davenport, Michael Dawson, Stephen Kelly

Stoke

Top priority:
A Plan B - So Stoke won promotion by being brutish and scoring from Rory Delap’s long throws but Watford showed that physicality alone isn’t enough to survive. Last season Stoke forward Mamady Sidibe started 35 games and scored just four goals - more firepower is a must.

Fitting the bill: Harry Kewell, Shane Long, Marlon Harewood

Hull

Top priority:
Some youth and depth - Hull are ridiculed for relying heavily on old-timers Dean Windass and Nick Barmby but there’s nothing wrong with this policy as long as they are supplemented by some talented youngsters to help share the workload. A bit more quality and depth in defence is also a must.

Fitting the bill: Colin Kazim Richards, Younes Kaboul, Ali Al Habsi, Linvoy Primus

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.