How to double your value, by David Villa

Spurs and Chelsea are just two of the pack of clubs racing to steal David Villa away from Valencia, but after last night’s hat-trick they’ll performance, they’ll have to part with at least £25million for the privelege.

Over in Salzburg, Greece and Sweden did their best to bore the shit out of us for an hour, but thankfully Inter’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic (see his lovely WAG here) woke us from the coma by slotting home a superb goal of the tournament contender.

Swedish WAG has plenty going on upstairs

Top heavy model-types who earn themselves a footballer are all too often tarred with the ‘you’re quite thick’ brush. Today’s Euro 2008 WAG of the Day, however, is a notabale exception - 37-year-old Swede Helena Seger has an economics degree, has worked as a marketing manager for Swatch and FlyMe and probably speaks better English than you and I.

In his time, Inter Milan and Sweden striker Zlatan Ibrahimović has been linked with a whole host of European models, but it was Helena he met at a party in 2002, and they now have two sons together.

Forget about your worries with today’s transfer rumours… then go back to your worries

Wow, what a dramatic night. For those who missed it for whatever reason, Raef went, and that smarmy little Michael character lives to fight another boardroom. Gutted.

Today’s transfers are very enticing…

Carlos Tevez to Manchester United
Anyone who understands the situation here is a genius. In short, the man who United signed last summer is waiting to be signed by United. What?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Um, okay.

Aaron Ramsay to Manchester United
Just as one tricky Welsh winger begins his slow ride into the sunset, another one turns up in a massive pram.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Get ready for decades of Giggs/Ramsay comparison, which is fine at first, but by the time Alan Shearer has mentioned it for the eight zillionth time on MOTD, you just want to grab the silly pundit by what’s left of his hair and repeatedly plunge his face into glass coffee table, not stopping until you are absolutely sure that either a. he’s dead, or b. he’s got the message.

Wow, what a week of football. First Liverpool and Chelsea proved that it wasn’t just a coincidence that people start gouging their own eyes out whenever they play, then Man United and Barcelona strove to make a potentially exciting game completely rubbish. Congrats guys, mission accomplished. Still, we don’t totally hate football yet, and some crazy transfer talk has been filtering in aaaall morning…

Darren Bent to West Ham
The ghost of Darren Bent has been whispered to be returning to haunt his old boss. Spurs will then spend all of next season scratching their heads and debating why there is now a spare hook in the dressing room.

Luka Modric to Newcastle
Modric could have his pick of any Premier League club this summer, but his mum has spoken to Mark Viduka’s mum, and they want their boys to look after each other next season. Luka, of course, didn’t ask to be born, and will be found moping around the centre circle with luminous yellow snot on his brow.

El-Hadji Diouf to Manchester City
El-Hadge looks Manchester bound, which, he’ll be pleased to know, is about spitting distance from Bolton.

While you were face down in a plate of sprouts, top stars were out making news…

While you were snoozing in the enormous armchair, your trousers damn near breaking thanks to nine helpings of stuffing, the world was still busy entertaining the wants of sportsmen and their wives. Here’s what we know about the last couple of weeks:

Crouch’s gorgeous girlfriend Abigail Clancy does her